murderous tendencies

cockroach.

kill kill kill!

constellations

the End is in sight. the email read that tomorrow's meeting will be short. I interpret that to mean that there's little to correct or change and it is near acceptable for submission.


So I tripped home, first peaches of the season in hand, dawdling and anticipating. And admiring my gold nails every chance I got. Every time I want to check my watch I get distracted and look at my nails instead and forget about the time. tsk.

:)

The bad news, depending on how you see it, is that I feel the stirrings of my ink addiction. I should name them, just for ease of reference (and also because I secretly think they've each got a distinct personality. Or they are associated with a different me). The last one kept me satisfied for almost two years now, so that's a bit of a record. No piercings etc since then either.16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21 and nothing up to now. It IS a new record! woo hoo! I can't believe I got something done every year of my life since I was 16. Never counted until now.

This time around I want something
a. at the base of my neck/top of my back (obviously)
b. shoulder blade

first choice would be a. but that would leave the problem of concealing it should I ever be unfortunate enough to land in a conservative workplace. As for what it would be.... I've come full circle - I want another star. Perhaps a smaller one, not a carbon copy of the first but there aren't that many variations on stars.

Which gives me an interesting idea. I could eventually have a smattering of stars across my body/ canvas. Not just black or solid stars either, maybe have a few red stars, a few outlines of stars, different sizes. That kind of thing. OR instead of having a completely random scatter of stars, I could place them in apparently random positions but have them form a sign/ something-i-just-don't-know-what-yet if I were to draw an imaginary line connecting them. Connect the dots. ooh...

So, a constellation of stars or connect the dots (stars). This would keep me occupied for a decade, I would think. And because each one would be so (relatively that is) small, I could get them done more frequently. Yes, let's bring some order into this whole milestone thing instead of ending up with a completely random assortment of creatures and symbols. Bigger picture yeah

lazy dazy

mwrr... not having urgent work to do disorients me

i need:-
a haircut
fruits
an espresso machine

only 1 out of 3 is feasible right now but no matter

i want:-
*cough* nevermind
also vaguely tempted by the sound of Jo Malone's nectarine blossom and honey scent. hmm... $80. frig
papaya salad

yum!
toodle doo

oh right, clothes..

hehehehe

so.
I'm painting my nails OPI's 'go on green'. it's that pale blue-green shimmer someone though might be bitchy looking but it's actually not.
in between chatting with a friend online. and this is a snippet:

IP says:
but I'm a boy

IP says:
it'll be kinda weird painting my nails...

jeen says:
you could paint them with...

jeen says:
(wait again)

jeen says:
http://glossifieds.blogspot.com/search?q=man+glaze

jeen says:
hahaha

IP says:
ewewewewewewewewewewewew

IP says:
dowaaan!

jeen says:
hahahaha

jeen says:
just saying..

IP says:
yesh

jeen says:
eh, but it's not shiny

jeen says:
at all!!

IP says:
I'm. Not. Painting. My. Nails. Period.

jeen says:
dammit

jeen says:
wait, when i get back

jeen says:
you'll get to see my fabolous coloured nails

jeen says:
and then you'll want some for yourself!

IP says:
omg...you so used to do this as a kid, didn't you?

IP says:
tie up boys and paint their nails?

jeen says:
tsk

jeen says:
nope

jeen says:
i put gold glitter on the seat of their chairs though

IP says:
how mean!

IP says:
wasting all that gold glitter

IP says:
!

jeen says:
so not wasted... it shows up really well on brown pants


hehhehheh.. I can't believe I used to do that. good times.. much more innocent times too

but the present is good too. complex maybe, but all the richer for the complexity

tee hee

I think my supervisor might be the only faculty member with smiley faces drawn on his door

and no, I didn't do it. He probably drew them himself!

greedygrumblings

the weather's changing. I have no clothes!

buybuybuybuy

An Ode

Your tawny skin is warm to the touch
You nourish me when all else fails
Your perfection inspires me to words
In your sour saltiness my tongue delights

O vegemite on toast, how I love you!

eat your veg, no meat

soy sausages are so not. just don't, in case you were thinking of it.

(consciously) going veg lasted all of one meal. those times when I live on coffee, hummus and water crackers, toast, and apples don't count. that's not by choice.

boo-tan

I'm tired of Malaysian party politics and the filth surrounding it. Which is why there will be no rant on the topic today. For today: I would move to Bhutan if they would let me in. Although I'd prefer it if they kept their enlightened monarch for now and only made the shift to (messy, dysfunctional) democracy when he's passed on.

I wish I was rich enough to buy myself an island. It wouldn't have to be a big one, just enough for subsistence living so I can let the rest of the world fuck itself to hell while I potter away in my garden.

peevish

Dammit, what is it that you want now? The letter was the end of it and it did what it was supposed to for me. I'm moving on. There was no need to reply to that or for you to follow up on it. Now you've got me wondering what exactly is it you're sending to me, why you wanted my birthdate, why you're doing this when I made it perfectly clear that that was all there was to it. No response expected nor wanted.

I suppose I'll find out soon enough. Maybe you're returning anything I gave you. That would be better than a letter I would be reluctant to open.
Hmm... I hope you're not planning to burn my unit down. Now that would really be uncalled for!

chapter 5 in its preliminary form is done. and my word count is not terribly excessively over the limit set for it. but they all add up! all these little bits and pieces of 200, 400 add up. fret fret fret. malaysian politics. fret fret fret. man problems. fret fret fret.

my lip balm is making me crave grapefruit soda. my nails are blue.
it's one of those days.
go away, come back. why are you still here? no, really come back.
that really sums up everything.
I will now bury my head in the sand for posting something as short attention-spanned and vacuous as this.
mm... chorizo buns with salsa verde

delightful insights from conversations with E soon to come. when i remember them. d-oh!
cookie dough..

breath

It has been raining continuously for 30 hours. All I really want to do is to nurse a mug of tea and idly watch the water coming down. I test the temperature and my breath produces little puffs of air. It makes me feel like a baby dragon, making tentative little smoke trails.

Gazing out from the living room I notice that someone in the flat facing mine left a pair of jeans out. It must be drenched by now. Briefly wonder about the lives other people lead. Somewhere someone is doing exactly what I wish I were doing now, curled up in an armchair with a view of the city.

I like making those little hot air puffs. It reminds me that I’m in a foreign country living a different life. I correct my own thoughts: this country is different, but not foreign. This life is different and temporary. It is an interlude from the real world that awaits me at the end of this degree. The finish line I wish would come sooner but would also postpone for as long as possible. The inevitable return to a country I both love and despise, which I have never felt at home in. I know this feeling of dispossession is hardly unique to me. Others have felt this way.

It might be a diaspora thing, this eternal reaching towards an imaginary homeland. Maybe not. It might be the result of growing up in an environment both localized and foreign. A little bubble on the surface of the water. This country I am in now is not quite home but in a sense it comes closer to being home than the place that is ostensibly mine. I don’t feel displaced here even with everyone gone. But I haven’t gone native either. I’m not quite sure what to make of this feeling of being suspended between two places.

Shaking myself out of this haze, I get up and go to the kitchen for a glass of water before returning to my room. I wish for a moment there was a man in there waiting for me instead of my thesis. Damn thesis.

socially acceptable addictions pt.1

lip balm is my crack

and i've found a new dealer: http://mylipstuff.com

seriously, 400 plus flavours? ooohh... and they actually do smell exactly like the description given. i ordered a lot of 10 (excessive, yes. justified, yes. now go away, i'll put them to good use. and they're cheap! and this is my new way to destress - online shopping cause i'm tied to my desk grumble grumble, stupid thesis..) a couple of weeks back and this is what i got:

vanilla ice cream (wearing this now. yum! it's like having a maccas (McDs to you) softserve icecream perpetually under my nose)
almond
mango
cherry pie
caramel sundae
white chocolate raspberry
peaches and cream
strawberries and champagne
strawberries and chocolate
french kiss (this caught my eye cause of the name but the description sounded delicious too: bourbon, apricot, grenadine and lemon - who am i to walk away from boozy lip balm?)

and they threw in a free one too - mixed mystery which is a mixture of godknowswhat but it smells like cherries to me

as for the lip balm itself, it's fantastic. it's untinted and actually slightly glossy, goes on like a dream (like buttah!), doesn't just sit on my lips like some do, and is all natural. which is to say that there's no petrolatum or nasty petroleum by-products in it. just sunflower oil, beeswax, cocoa butter, sweet almond oil, castor oil, jojoba oil, avocado oil, aloe vera and essential/ flavour oils. the ingredient list sounds almost like a salad to me.
the website even has vegan lip balm which swap out the beeswax for candellila wax. there isn't much flavour to it, it's just scented to me but i suppose that's a good thing otherwise i'd be literally eating my own lips. i'm already eyeing more stuff on the site. it's less than 1/5th the price of the stuff i've been using (lush, philosophy) and just as good if not better (cause it's natural!!). and the choices... love! honestly, some of the labels alone would get me: 'a little S&M' anyone? i want the mood balms now - stressed, naughty, fiesty, hungry (actually that would be good for SL)

if anyone is reading this, you now know what i'm going to be giving out in december

I'm on a vanilla kick right now. I'm craving vanilla chocolate and wearing Lush's American Cream scent. It's the warmest, most comforting scent I have come across and like Lush things in general is so much more than just one flat note. It's distinctly vanilla but kinked up with layers of clary sage, a bit of lavender, a bit of honey and just a hint of fresh, slightly tart strawberries. I wish they used this scent in more things instead of just a conditioner and solid perfume because it soothes me and seems to calm me down. it sends a message to my brain: step away from the edge.

ok, ditzy post over.
- back to our regular programme of thesis-related complaints now -
(yay, E is coming tomorrow! chirrup!)

dammitdammitdammit
no work done today
excellent, when duncan asks for an update i can tell him that i spent sunday sticking a letter on my exboyfriend's door and then walking around bondi junction in a semi-conscious state and later cleaning the kitchen and rhapsodizing about truffles to anyone who will listen.
the letter was to tie things up. the way i ended it has been plagueing me and it felt like there were so many things i left unsaid which i had to say before i could move on. so there. one thing done.
focus. thesis. FB's iq thingy tells me i have an iq of 142. i should be a genius therefore this should be a breeze. alternatively that iq thing is whacked and i'm screwed. i'm inclined to agree with the latter.
i CAN be a genius, but only when i'm not preoccupied with
a) sex
b) thinking about sex
c) men
d) my nails
e) my next meal
which means never. or only at 2 in the morning.
sigh... why does my brain not cooperate with me?

Scent

I just tried truffles for the first time. Tetsuya's black truffle salsa mixed into butter and slathered onto a lightly toasted slice of wholemeal sourdough from Laurent. Now I get it. The whole fuss about truffles. They smell like sex. Musky, pungent, earthy. It's like nothing else I've ever smelt. Sticking my nose into the tiny jar sent my olfactory nerves ablaze and the first thing it evoked was sex. Raw animalistic sex. The heady scent is just indescribable and that's the closest approximation I can come up with. My little epiphany at 11pm in a dinky kitchen. Ok, sure I've had dishes which purportedly contain truffle oil but those don't come anywhere close to this. Any traces of truffles in the pasta you get at Alexis are drowned by everything else they chuck in - mushrooms, cream, more cream. It's damn near undetectable. There are too many other flavours and textures to draw your attention there. But this. There's no mistaking this. Forget oysters, if you want an aphrodisiac truffles are the way to go. Oysters are mere imagery and texture - who associates sex with brine? Oysters are delicious in their own right but as aphrodisiacs they get their hard shelled innards whooped by truffles. Asparagus? hah, I laugh at you. Scent is where it's at. And the scent of truffles is lingering in my nose and my mouth. The way the sillage of a perfume lingers in a room after the wearer has left, the aroma of truffles lingers in my senses.

On a similar note, I took a whiff of Etat Libre d'Orange's Magnificent Secretions perfume in Mecca today. That too smelt like sex, but in a completely different way. I guess the name says it all. It smelt like the atmosphere in a room post-coitus, animalistic notes, semen, blood. It made me frown but I still took a second sniff. Interesting and unique yes. Wearable? NO! Truffles smell like raw animalistic sex. Magnificent Secretions smelt like the dirtier, sadomasochistic, even more violent older brother of aforementioned sex with the element of pleasure removed. Almost foul. Nurgh..

I'm going to play with my truffle salsa more tomorrow - with gently warmed olive oil in fresh pasta? mmm...
This will be my substitute for sex. Because I'M BEING GOOD. dammit. I'm overworked and undersexed.

que te parecen?

I think:

JW has been telling tales on me to my mom - she wanted to visit me in Sydney soon. hmm... worried about the sanity of her youngest daughter?

coffee has stopped working on me

talking to myself helps. a lot.

democratization. soft authoritarian states. decentralization. civil society. cooption. repeat until linkages form.

i should have done law or physics or something which does not involve original research and critical thinking.
(but they are just sooo tedious! and look at the people you know doing law.. ugh. soulless hamsters)

one day i will look back and laugh. NOT ANYTIME SOON!!

fuck. i can't write today.
so going to delete this.