trip?

before i forget, this is an idea

december - Bangkok with sisters and mom is on. For a few days only though. Go earlier and backpack around for 2-3 weeks? JL might be in Chiang Mai by then, T in Bangkok

might be able to rope in JL for island hopping. ko samui, phiphi!! probably not full moon parties though. over the booze and drugs and partying thing.

ooh, could hop over the border into siam reap. and then laos. and maybe vietnam. not sure what's in myanmar but junta there.. ergh. hmm... wanderlust..

research! of the good kind :)
and I have until monday off from thesis stuff. yay!

lazy dazy

mwrr... not having urgent work to do disorients me

i need:-
a haircut
fruits
an espresso machine

only 1 out of 3 is feasible right now but no matter

i want:-
*cough* nevermind
also vaguely tempted by the sound of Jo Malone's nectarine blossom and honey scent. hmm... $80. frig
papaya salad

yum!
toodle doo

oh right, clothes..

hehehehe

so.
I'm painting my nails OPI's 'go on green'. it's that pale blue-green shimmer someone though might be bitchy looking but it's actually not.
in between chatting with a friend online. and this is a snippet:

IP says:
but I'm a boy

IP says:
it'll be kinda weird painting my nails...

jeen says:
you could paint them with...

jeen says:
(wait again)

jeen says:
http://glossifieds.blogspot.com/search?q=man+glaze

jeen says:
hahaha

IP says:
ewewewewewewewewewewewew

IP says:
dowaaan!

jeen says:
hahahaha

jeen says:
just saying..

IP says:
yesh

jeen says:
eh, but it's not shiny

jeen says:
at all!!

IP says:
I'm. Not. Painting. My. Nails. Period.

jeen says:
dammit

jeen says:
wait, when i get back

jeen says:
you'll get to see my fabolous coloured nails

jeen says:
and then you'll want some for yourself!

IP says:
omg...you so used to do this as a kid, didn't you?

IP says:
tie up boys and paint their nails?

jeen says:
tsk

jeen says:
nope

jeen says:
i put gold glitter on the seat of their chairs though

IP says:
how mean!

IP says:
wasting all that gold glitter

IP says:
!

jeen says:
so not wasted... it shows up really well on brown pants


hehhehheh.. I can't believe I used to do that. good times.. much more innocent times too

but the present is good too. complex maybe, but all the richer for the complexity

*stretch*

first full draft done
almost full
no concluding section yet
because
word count 19800
not including (3) diagrams and TOC and appendices
need to dream up a title
and put together bibliography properly instead of mumbo jumbo state is in now
stop tinkering and adding stuff
for now

'lost in translation?: Local Agenda 21 in Malaysia and and the limits of participation'
hehehehe
hmm.. i like that

going to rock me gold nails tomorrow
wont dry in time for sleep tonight
hate smudged nails
zzzz

tee hee

I think my supervisor might be the only faculty member with smiley faces drawn on his door

and no, I didn't do it. He probably drew them himself!

word (song) association

there are songs i will always associate with particular men. they have a mood and a setting attached to them and without fail take me back to a certain moment when they were playing. here's a list. take a guess if you can. i have the first two playing in my head and on my computer now (these two are a sequence). it started playing in my head first so now i've got to get it out.

The Veronicas - Untouched (bowling alley, first time out with B)
Boys like girls - Hero/heroine (walking past a pizza shop, after leaving his place)

Alicia Keys - Falling (way back when, like waaay back!)
Javier - Crazy (sometime last year)
Colbie Caillat - Magic (while lying in bed with S early this year)
Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars (in the back of a car with another S in the front seat, knowing that things were changing)
Presidents of the United State of America - Peaches (outside a fruit stall, this popped into my head and infected him too)
Ne-yo - Sexy love (first dirty dance >p)

and that's all i can remember for now without going through windows music player song by song. there are others, i know, but it's would take up too much time now

-this is how I feel, and it's so surreal-

greedygrumblings

the weather's changing. I have no clothes!

buybuybuybuy

dead calm

The usual cacophony of voices in my head is unusually quiet today. Sure there's a murmur in the background and I hear whispers from the acquisitive one but all else is at ease. Panic is surprisingly silent. This after the manicness of the past week or so.

21315 without a conclusion
this can be done. cut out 2315 words and you're set.

my bottle of booze is getting lighter. half a jar of nescafe in two weeks isn't that bad. the way my sleep patterns are going, in a couple of weeks i'll be back on GMT+10. it'll be full circle :)

but this might just be the eye of the storm.

argh!

i hate my thesis
i want to burn everything i've written
i want to run away and forfeit honours
i want to jump off the top floor of a 100 storey building
but i live on the second floor. not even the second floor, it's a one and a half floor.

An Ode

Your tawny skin is warm to the touch
You nourish me when all else fails
Your perfection inspires me to words
In your sour saltiness my tongue delights

O vegemite on toast, how I love you!

a note

we can't have everything in life, and we shouldn't because if we did, we wouldn't appreciate it



strive for perfection even if it is unattainable because it's about the journey as much as what you reach for.

140 km/h

they say there's a storm coming. "batter down the hatches because we're looking at 115 kmph winds"

as long as it doesn't cut my power supply it'll be fine


there's always a storm coming

past midnight

At this time of night
the silence is palpable and
the air is almost oppressive
thick and heavy
the way it is before the rain comes

My mind skitters
from thoughts of you
to thoughts of freedom from this self-imposed tyranny
this endless work that consumes my mind
my life

Briefly wonder
'is it arrogance if it is justified?'
the right of the intelligentsia and the merciless
to judge others of inferior intellect
even the brilliant need compassion

My thoughts of you will go unwritten
even as they haunt me
in the depths of the night and the clarity of the morning

The night creaks
and this darkness which has come before
will pass
as it has

grace

philosophy:
how you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. and so it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big gigantic test followed by one big gigantic lesson. in the end, it all comes down to is one word. grace. it's how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, the darkness and the light.

- off the bottle on my desk. amazing grace.

doo doo

shit. my printer cartridge has 30 sheets left in it.

shit. UNSW is too cheapskate to pay for access to half the journals I need.

shit. I have a tonne of revisions to make to the draft I have.

shit. I have NO TIME!!

tweet

I like the orange sour jellies the best. chomp

version 1.0 (in full)

The first draft of IT is done. IT is patchy and requires significant modification and rewriting before I can consider it acceptable but essentially, IT is done.

12.23am

I remember a friend of my sister's asking me, sometime late last year:

"Jeen, do you find that things get more complicated as you grow older?"

The answer is obvious enough. We grow older, we collect more experiences, more memories. We learn that people, things aren't always or even usually the way we think they should be. Our preconceptions get challenged, our ideals get broken. It's not a bad thing, that's just the way it is. You become richer for the experiences you have had, but they come at a cost too. Moral decisions become difficult to make when you see other people lapsing, "if everyone else is doing that, there's nothing wrong". Peer pressure, the tyranny of the masses, but the masses is composed of individuals like yourself. It's a vicious cycle, the one reinforcing the other.

But learning more and having more empathy for the position of others also contributes to this complication. When you learn to see how the other side feels, imagine what the other must be going through, simple decisions driven by self-interest become un-simple. Who is at fault? What if no one is to blame? Who do you put first? Must you put anyone first? Is there a solution to satisfy both parties? Black/white ceases to exist.



(I like being able to write short short sentences. Such a contrast from those 5 line long ones in IT)

boomchickaboom

*does a little jig around the room*
because chapter 5 has been deemed good
:)

re: letter

so here's the thing. about the letter.

I cringe everytime I think of it. it was more open and bare than anything I had ever told him, than anything I have ever told anyone. and the fact of its nakedness embarasses me because I don't do that. you know.
I don't put my emotions and thoughts all out there for people to see, I can't wear my heart on my sleeve the way others do without feeling incredibly vulnerable and pierce-able. (I know my faithful reader will applaud this, "progress!", but really, I hate it)

I suppose that's also why writing it felt so liberating and it enabled me to let go of everything. it was all out, there was nothing I wanted to say that I hadn't said in it.

But now that he is/might be responding, the thought of it terrifies me. I don't want to know what you have to say for a number of reasons.
i. because if it's good and you're trying to get me back, I might fall back in
ii. because if it's good and you're not trying to get me back, I might fall back in and wish that you were
iii. because if it's bad, I'll feel like a fool.
I don't know which is worse. let's add a 4th reason, to make it a multiple choice kind of thing.
iv. it's a reciprocal goodbye letter.

No, that's the same as ii. nevermind then. I'll just hope that he decided not to send it after all.


Chapter 1 runeth over. 1194 and there's more to write. say it with me ~word count~
and it's so easy after Chapters 4 and 5, leaving me with too much time to think about other things