A reminder

because i know i'll forget

"we're still friends right?"
er, no. actually we're not. we never were friends to begin with and we are crap at being just friends. because let's face it, everytime we agree to be friends it doesn't stay that way. a few weeks later you'll call asking if you can come over and hangout cause you're bored and i, stupidly thinking and remembering what we've agreed to will think that it'll be fine. because, you know, "we're just friends after all and i've made it clear to him that i can't do that anymore". and then you'll come over and we'll talk for awhile about what's been going on in our lives. after awhile we run out of normal, 'friend' things to say to each other and you'll take my hand or put your arm around my waist or something, and i'll give you that look which says 'what are you doing?' and you'll pause, for awhile, before continuing. and because you'll have softened me up by the with all the talk and just being close to me i'll slowly, reluctantly at first, give in. and there goes being just friends.

arsehole.

you do it every. single. time. and i can't stand it. i can't stand being so close to you that i can smell your cologne because scent is such a powerful force with me it sets off triggers in my head. sometime ago just before i left B i was in the library and this guy walked past wearing the same smell or something similar and i stood stock still for a moment remembering how you'd kiss, how you'd touch me and all the bullshit you had ever said to me. i already knew i was going to leave him then, i'd set a deadline of sorts in my head but having that reminder of you certainly didn't help me stay with him.

so yes, i have had enough of this. we can't be friends. we would never have been friends under normal circumstances. too different. i'm fussy about who i call a friend and you have done nothing to merit that title with me. i have grown and being with him was a reminder about what i should be looking for, even if i didn't have it with him. and you're none of it. have the balls to face your own problems face on instead of looking for an escape. it was fair game when i was in it for the same reasons but now that i'm not you should take your self-pity and self-absorption somewhere else. find someone else to fuck with if you won't/ can't grow balls instead of fucking with my head.

i'm going to read this reminder to myself until it becomes a mantra. so i'll be ready next time.