I think my supervisor might be the only faculty member with smiley faces drawn on his door
and no, I didn't do it. He probably drew them himself!
Monday, September 29, 2008
word (song) association
there are songs i will always associate with particular men. they have a mood and a setting attached to them and without fail take me back to a certain moment when they were playing. here's a list. take a guess if you can. i have the first two playing in my head and on my computer now (these two are a sequence). it started playing in my head first so now i've got to get it out.
The Veronicas - Untouched (bowling alley, first time out with B)
Boys like girls - Hero/heroine (walking past a pizza shop, after leaving his place)
Alicia Keys - Falling (way back when, like waaay back!)
Javier - Crazy (sometime last year)
Colbie Caillat - Magic (while lying in bed with S early this year)
Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars (in the back of a car with another S in the front seat, knowing that things were changing)
Presidents of the United State of America - Peaches (outside a fruit stall, this popped into my head and infected him too)
Ne-yo - Sexy love (first dirty dance >p)
and that's all i can remember for now without going through windows music player song by song. there are others, i know, but it's would take up too much time now
-this is how I feel, and it's so surreal-
The Veronicas - Untouched (bowling alley, first time out with B)
Boys like girls - Hero/heroine (walking past a pizza shop, after leaving his place)
Alicia Keys - Falling (way back when, like waaay back!)
Javier - Crazy (sometime last year)
Colbie Caillat - Magic (while lying in bed with S early this year)
Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars (in the back of a car with another S in the front seat, knowing that things were changing)
Presidents of the United State of America - Peaches (outside a fruit stall, this popped into my head and infected him too)
Ne-yo - Sexy love (first dirty dance >p)
and that's all i can remember for now without going through windows music player song by song. there are others, i know, but it's would take up too much time now
-this is how I feel, and it's so surreal-
Sunday, September 28, 2008
dead calm
The usual cacophony of voices in my head is unusually quiet today. Sure there's a murmur in the background and I hear whispers from the acquisitive one but all else is at ease. Panic is surprisingly silent. This after the manicness of the past week or so.
21315 without a conclusion
this can be done. cut out 2315 words and you're set.
my bottle of booze is getting lighter. half a jar of nescafe in two weeks isn't that bad. the way my sleep patterns are going, in a couple of weeks i'll be back on GMT+10. it'll be full circle :)
but this might just be the eye of the storm.
21315 without a conclusion
this can be done. cut out 2315 words and you're set.
my bottle of booze is getting lighter. half a jar of nescafe in two weeks isn't that bad. the way my sleep patterns are going, in a couple of weeks i'll be back on GMT+10. it'll be full circle :)
but this might just be the eye of the storm.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
argh!
i hate my thesis
i want to burn everything i've written
i want to run away and forfeit honours
i want to jump off the top floor of a 100 storey building
but i live on the second floor. not even the second floor, it's a one and a half floor.
i want to burn everything i've written
i want to run away and forfeit honours
i want to jump off the top floor of a 100 storey building
but i live on the second floor. not even the second floor, it's a one and a half floor.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
An Ode
Your tawny skin is warm to the touch
You nourish me when all else fails
Your perfection inspires me to words
In your sour saltiness my tongue delights
O vegemite on toast, how I love you!
You nourish me when all else fails
Your perfection inspires me to words
In your sour saltiness my tongue delights
O vegemite on toast, how I love you!
a note
we can't have everything in life, and we shouldn't because if we did, we wouldn't appreciate it
strive for perfection even if it is unattainable because it's about the journey as much as what you reach for.
strive for perfection even if it is unattainable because it's about the journey as much as what you reach for.
Monday, September 22, 2008
140 km/h
they say there's a storm coming. "batter down the hatches because we're looking at 115 kmph winds"
as long as it doesn't cut my power supply it'll be fine
there's always a storm coming
as long as it doesn't cut my power supply it'll be fine
there's always a storm coming
Sunday, September 21, 2008
past midnight
At this time of night
the silence is palpable and
the air is almost oppressive
thick and heavy
the way it is before the rain comes
My mind skitters
from thoughts of you
to thoughts of freedom from this self-imposed tyranny
this endless work that consumes my mind
my life
Briefly wonder
'is it arrogance if it is justified?'
the right of the intelligentsia and the merciless
to judge others of inferior intellect
even the brilliant need compassion
My thoughts of you will go unwritten
even as they haunt me
in the depths of the night and the clarity of the morning
The night creaks
and this darkness which has come before
will pass
as it has
the silence is palpable and
the air is almost oppressive
thick and heavy
the way it is before the rain comes
My mind skitters
from thoughts of you
to thoughts of freedom from this self-imposed tyranny
this endless work that consumes my mind
my life
Briefly wonder
'is it arrogance if it is justified?'
the right of the intelligentsia and the merciless
to judge others of inferior intellect
even the brilliant need compassion
My thoughts of you will go unwritten
even as they haunt me
in the depths of the night and the clarity of the morning
The night creaks
and this darkness which has come before
will pass
as it has
grace
philosophy:
how you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. and so it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big gigantic test followed by one big gigantic lesson. in the end, it all comes down to is one word. grace. it's how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, the darkness and the light.
- off the bottle on my desk. amazing grace.
how you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. and so it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big gigantic test followed by one big gigantic lesson. in the end, it all comes down to is one word. grace. it's how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, the darkness and the light.
- off the bottle on my desk. amazing grace.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
doo doo
shit. my printer cartridge has 30 sheets left in it.
shit. UNSW is too cheapskate to pay for access to half the journals I need.
shit. I have a tonne of revisions to make to the draft I have.
shit. I have NO TIME!!
shit. UNSW is too cheapskate to pay for access to half the journals I need.
shit. I have a tonne of revisions to make to the draft I have.
shit. I have NO TIME!!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
version 1.0 (in full)
The first draft of IT is done. IT is patchy and requires significant modification and rewriting before I can consider it acceptable but essentially, IT is done.
12.23am
I remember a friend of my sister's asking me, sometime late last year:
"Jeen, do you find that things get more complicated as you grow older?"
The answer is obvious enough. We grow older, we collect more experiences, more memories. We learn that people, things aren't always or even usually the way we think they should be. Our preconceptions get challenged, our ideals get broken. It's not a bad thing, that's just the way it is. You become richer for the experiences you have had, but they come at a cost too. Moral decisions become difficult to make when you see other people lapsing, "if everyone else is doing that, there's nothing wrong". Peer pressure, the tyranny of the masses, but the masses is composed of individuals like yourself. It's a vicious cycle, the one reinforcing the other.
But learning more and having more empathy for the position of others also contributes to this complication. When you learn to see how the other side feels, imagine what the other must be going through, simple decisions driven by self-interest become un-simple. Who is at fault? What if no one is to blame? Who do you put first? Must you put anyone first? Is there a solution to satisfy both parties? Black/white ceases to exist.
(I like being able to write short short sentences. Such a contrast from those 5 line long ones in IT)
"Jeen, do you find that things get more complicated as you grow older?"
The answer is obvious enough. We grow older, we collect more experiences, more memories. We learn that people, things aren't always or even usually the way we think they should be. Our preconceptions get challenged, our ideals get broken. It's not a bad thing, that's just the way it is. You become richer for the experiences you have had, but they come at a cost too. Moral decisions become difficult to make when you see other people lapsing, "if everyone else is doing that, there's nothing wrong". Peer pressure, the tyranny of the masses, but the masses is composed of individuals like yourself. It's a vicious cycle, the one reinforcing the other.
But learning more and having more empathy for the position of others also contributes to this complication. When you learn to see how the other side feels, imagine what the other must be going through, simple decisions driven by self-interest become un-simple. Who is at fault? What if no one is to blame? Who do you put first? Must you put anyone first? Is there a solution to satisfy both parties? Black/white ceases to exist.
(I like being able to write short short sentences. Such a contrast from those 5 line long ones in IT)
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
re: letter
so here's the thing. about the letter.
I cringe everytime I think of it. it was more open and bare than anything I had ever told him, than anything I have ever told anyone. and the fact of its nakedness embarasses me because I don't do that. you know.
I don't put my emotions and thoughts all out there for people to see, I can't wear my heart on my sleeve the way others do without feeling incredibly vulnerable and pierce-able. (I know my faithful reader will applaud this, "progress!", but really, I hate it)
I suppose that's also why writing it felt so liberating and it enabled me to let go of everything. it was all out, there was nothing I wanted to say that I hadn't said in it.
But now that he is/might be responding, the thought of it terrifies me. I don't want to know what you have to say for a number of reasons.
i. because if it's good and you're trying to get me back, I might fall back in
ii. because if it's good and you're not trying to get me back, I might fall back in and wish that you were
iii. because if it's bad, I'll feel like a fool.
I don't know which is worse. let's add a 4th reason, to make it a multiple choice kind of thing.
iv. it's a reciprocal goodbye letter.
No, that's the same as ii. nevermind then. I'll just hope that he decided not to send it after all.
Chapter 1 runeth over. 1194 and there's more to write. say it with me ~word count~
and it's so easy after Chapters 4 and 5, leaving me with too much time to think about other things
I cringe everytime I think of it. it was more open and bare than anything I had ever told him, than anything I have ever told anyone. and the fact of its nakedness embarasses me because I don't do that. you know.
I don't put my emotions and thoughts all out there for people to see, I can't wear my heart on my sleeve the way others do without feeling incredibly vulnerable and pierce-able. (I know my faithful reader will applaud this, "progress!", but really, I hate it)
I suppose that's also why writing it felt so liberating and it enabled me to let go of everything. it was all out, there was nothing I wanted to say that I hadn't said in it.
But now that he is/might be responding, the thought of it terrifies me. I don't want to know what you have to say for a number of reasons.
i. because if it's good and you're trying to get me back, I might fall back in
ii. because if it's good and you're not trying to get me back, I might fall back in and wish that you were
iii. because if it's bad, I'll feel like a fool.
I don't know which is worse. let's add a 4th reason, to make it a multiple choice kind of thing.
iv. it's a reciprocal goodbye letter.
No, that's the same as ii. nevermind then. I'll just hope that he decided not to send it after all.
Chapter 1 runeth over. 1194 and there's more to write. say it with me ~word count~
and it's so easy after Chapters 4 and 5, leaving me with too much time to think about other things
eat your veg, no meat
soy sausages are so not. just don't, in case you were thinking of it.
(consciously) going veg lasted all of one meal. those times when I live on coffee, hummus and water crackers, toast, and apples don't count. that's not by choice.
(consciously) going veg lasted all of one meal. those times when I live on coffee, hummus and water crackers, toast, and apples don't count. that's not by choice.
boo-tan
I'm tired of Malaysian party politics and the filth surrounding it. Which is why there will be no rant on the topic today. For today: I would move to Bhutan if they would let me in. Although I'd prefer it if they kept their enlightened monarch for now and only made the shift to (messy, dysfunctional) democracy when he's passed on.
I wish I was rich enough to buy myself an island. It wouldn't have to be a big one, just enough for subsistence living so I can let the rest of the world fuck itself to hell while I potter away in my garden.
I wish I was rich enough to buy myself an island. It wouldn't have to be a big one, just enough for subsistence living so I can let the rest of the world fuck itself to hell while I potter away in my garden.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
tchach
"pancakes so light and fluffy it makes one weep"
- pancakes cannot make one weep. unnecessary adjectives and silly descriptions make me twitch
- pancakes cannot make one weep. unnecessary adjectives and silly descriptions make me twitch
divisions
A close friend of mine had a letter he wrote published on a Malaysian news/ opinion site. Unsurprisingly, it was on the state of ethnic relations and the rising tensions. He is optimistic about 'our common humanity' and Malaysians' capacity to rise above the petty fearmongering and playing up of communal tensions.
I used to share his views but here's the thing now.
These statements are petty, true, but can it really be said that these are the sentiments of very few and that 'the people' can rise above the basic emotions that they arouse? I wonder if we are not the ones living in a little bubble, imagining that most people see things the way we do. That there is such as a thing as 'common humanity'. Even in the prosperous, middle to upper-middle class area that is Bangsar, the divisions are so clearly visible.
I remember the first day I walked into BB all those years ago. It was like entering a parallel universe from the one I was used to. People clustered together according to bumi/ non-bumi. Most of the time.
How open are we, truly? We have friends from different ethnic groups and different background. But would you and could you discuss issues of ethnicity with them as openly as you would with people you already know will share your sentiments?
The 'othering' of each other is something which cannot be avoided. In the depths of your mind you know this is true. We look at someone who looks slightly different from ourselves and the first thing that automatically pops into your head is the difference, not the similarities.
In an egalitarian country, this may not be the case but in Malaysia, this instinct is compounded and institutionalized by the state. The NEP was the wrong answer. It was a bandaid for the state to enable business to run 'as usual' but in the long run it hasn't solved anything. Jamming the lid on an overflowing pot doesn't help.
What we needed was an open discussion, no restrictions for the sake of avoiding 'sensitive issues' but an extensive, broad based discussion where all views were heard no matter how polarizing or discriminatory. Because once you have all this out in the open, only then can you see how absurd statements such as Ahmad Ismail's are. That didn't happen, and that won't happen anytime soon. So the different groups will keep fueling their flames, pointing at 'the other' and what the other is saying, and the state will be trapped in the middle.
We put our faith in the everyman, blissfully thinking that the everyman is not susceptible to such talk and scaremongering. But the everyman is flawed and human. Malaysia has social and cultural differences that have been reinforced by the state to form divisions among the everypeople.
Malaysia is a nation-state that has multiple nations in it, not unlike North America in the early colonial era. But it is also a colonial construct that would not otherwise exist because of these multiple nations. Globalization has enabled the resurrection of these nations within nation-states. The Zapatistas in Chiapas, Mexico are the clearest example of this. Wikipedia/ Google it. The voices that were previously on the margins are making themselves heard again and I think that the modern post-colonial nation-state is not strong enough to keep it together.
Solve this.
I used to share his views but here's the thing now.
These statements are petty, true, but can it really be said that these are the sentiments of very few and that 'the people' can rise above the basic emotions that they arouse? I wonder if we are not the ones living in a little bubble, imagining that most people see things the way we do. That there is such as a thing as 'common humanity'. Even in the prosperous, middle to upper-middle class area that is Bangsar, the divisions are so clearly visible.
I remember the first day I walked into BB all those years ago. It was like entering a parallel universe from the one I was used to. People clustered together according to bumi/ non-bumi. Most of the time.
How open are we, truly? We have friends from different ethnic groups and different background. But would you and could you discuss issues of ethnicity with them as openly as you would with people you already know will share your sentiments?
The 'othering' of each other is something which cannot be avoided. In the depths of your mind you know this is true. We look at someone who looks slightly different from ourselves and the first thing that automatically pops into your head is the difference, not the similarities.
In an egalitarian country, this may not be the case but in Malaysia, this instinct is compounded and institutionalized by the state. The NEP was the wrong answer. It was a bandaid for the state to enable business to run 'as usual' but in the long run it hasn't solved anything. Jamming the lid on an overflowing pot doesn't help.
What we needed was an open discussion, no restrictions for the sake of avoiding 'sensitive issues' but an extensive, broad based discussion where all views were heard no matter how polarizing or discriminatory. Because once you have all this out in the open, only then can you see how absurd statements such as Ahmad Ismail's are. That didn't happen, and that won't happen anytime soon. So the different groups will keep fueling their flames, pointing at 'the other' and what the other is saying, and the state will be trapped in the middle.
We put our faith in the everyman, blissfully thinking that the everyman is not susceptible to such talk and scaremongering. But the everyman is flawed and human. Malaysia has social and cultural differences that have been reinforced by the state to form divisions among the everypeople.
Malaysia is a nation-state that has multiple nations in it, not unlike North America in the early colonial era. But it is also a colonial construct that would not otherwise exist because of these multiple nations. Globalization has enabled the resurrection of these nations within nation-states. The Zapatistas in Chiapas, Mexico are the clearest example of this. Wikipedia/ Google it. The voices that were previously on the margins are making themselves heard again and I think that the modern post-colonial nation-state is not strong enough to keep it together.
Solve this.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
peevish
Dammit, what is it that you want now? The letter was the end of it and it did what it was supposed to for me. I'm moving on. There was no need to reply to that or for you to follow up on it. Now you've got me wondering what exactly is it you're sending to me, why you wanted my birthdate, why you're doing this when I made it perfectly clear that that was all there was to it. No response expected nor wanted.
I suppose I'll find out soon enough. Maybe you're returning anything I gave you. That would be better than a letter I would be reluctant to open.
Hmm... I hope you're not planning to burn my unit down. Now that would really be uncalled for!
chapter 5 in its preliminary form is done. and my word count is not terribly excessively over the limit set for it. but they all add up! all these little bits and pieces of 200, 400 add up. fret fret fret. malaysian politics. fret fret fret. man problems. fret fret fret.
my lip balm is making me crave grapefruit soda. my nails are blue.
it's one of those days.
go away, come back. why are you still here? no, really come back.
that really sums up everything.
I will now bury my head in the sand for posting something as short attention-spanned and vacuous as this.
mm... chorizo buns with salsa verde
delightful insights from conversations with E soon to come. when i remember them. d-oh!
cookie dough..
I suppose I'll find out soon enough. Maybe you're returning anything I gave you. That would be better than a letter I would be reluctant to open.
Hmm... I hope you're not planning to burn my unit down. Now that would really be uncalled for!
chapter 5 in its preliminary form is done. and my word count is not terribly excessively over the limit set for it. but they all add up! all these little bits and pieces of 200, 400 add up. fret fret fret. malaysian politics. fret fret fret. man problems. fret fret fret.
my lip balm is making me crave grapefruit soda. my nails are blue.
it's one of those days.
go away, come back. why are you still here? no, really come back.
that really sums up everything.
I will now bury my head in the sand for posting something as short attention-spanned and vacuous as this.
mm... chorizo buns with salsa verde
delightful insights from conversations with E soon to come. when i remember them. d-oh!
cookie dough..
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
outrage
look at you lot, infighting and squabbling and plotting to take over
show me the difference between the two sides. it would be blatantly undemocratic, set a dangerous precedent, and ultimately result in more of the same shit. over and over again, it's the same shit in that place. And the rest of you, civil society, NGOs, 'the people' are just sitting quietly not saying a thing about it. In fact most of you probably think 'fantastic, we'll get a new government!'. What about the means through which that government comes into power? Have you lost your senses so completely in the anticipation of change as to imagine that the ends justify the means in this situation? what kind of a country is this?
I want to defect
show me the difference between the two sides. it would be blatantly undemocratic, set a dangerous precedent, and ultimately result in more of the same shit. over and over again, it's the same shit in that place. And the rest of you, civil society, NGOs, 'the people' are just sitting quietly not saying a thing about it. In fact most of you probably think 'fantastic, we'll get a new government!'. What about the means through which that government comes into power? Have you lost your senses so completely in the anticipation of change as to imagine that the ends justify the means in this situation? what kind of a country is this?
I want to defect
Saturday, September 06, 2008
A reminder
because i know i'll forget
"we're still friends right?"
er, no. actually we're not. we never were friends to begin with and we are crap at being just friends. because let's face it, everytime we agree to be friends it doesn't stay that way. a few weeks later you'll call asking if you can come over and hangout cause you're bored and i, stupidly thinking and remembering what we've agreed to will think that it'll be fine. because, you know, "we're just friends after all and i've made it clear to him that i can't do that anymore". and then you'll come over and we'll talk for awhile about what's been going on in our lives. after awhile we run out of normal, 'friend' things to say to each other and you'll take my hand or put your arm around my waist or something, and i'll give you that look which says 'what are you doing?' and you'll pause, for awhile, before continuing. and because you'll have softened me up by the with all the talk and just being close to me i'll slowly, reluctantly at first, give in. and there goes being just friends.
arsehole.
you do it every. single. time. and i can't stand it. i can't stand being so close to you that i can smell your cologne because scent is such a powerful force with me it sets off triggers in my head. sometime ago just before i left B i was in the library and this guy walked past wearing the same smell or something similar and i stood stock still for a moment remembering how you'd kiss, how you'd touch me and all the bullshit you had ever said to me. i already knew i was going to leave him then, i'd set a deadline of sorts in my head but having that reminder of you certainly didn't help me stay with him.
so yes, i have had enough of this. we can't be friends. we would never have been friends under normal circumstances. too different. i'm fussy about who i call a friend and you have done nothing to merit that title with me. i have grown and being with him was a reminder about what i should be looking for, even if i didn't have it with him. and you're none of it. have the balls to face your own problems face on instead of looking for an escape. it was fair game when i was in it for the same reasons but now that i'm not you should take your self-pity and self-absorption somewhere else. find someone else to fuck with if you won't/ can't grow balls instead of fucking with my head.
i'm going to read this reminder to myself until it becomes a mantra. so i'll be ready next time.
"we're still friends right?"
er, no. actually we're not. we never were friends to begin with and we are crap at being just friends. because let's face it, everytime we agree to be friends it doesn't stay that way. a few weeks later you'll call asking if you can come over and hangout cause you're bored and i, stupidly thinking and remembering what we've agreed to will think that it'll be fine. because, you know, "we're just friends after all and i've made it clear to him that i can't do that anymore". and then you'll come over and we'll talk for awhile about what's been going on in our lives. after awhile we run out of normal, 'friend' things to say to each other and you'll take my hand or put your arm around my waist or something, and i'll give you that look which says 'what are you doing?' and you'll pause, for awhile, before continuing. and because you'll have softened me up by the with all the talk and just being close to me i'll slowly, reluctantly at first, give in. and there goes being just friends.
arsehole.
you do it every. single. time. and i can't stand it. i can't stand being so close to you that i can smell your cologne because scent is such a powerful force with me it sets off triggers in my head. sometime ago just before i left B i was in the library and this guy walked past wearing the same smell or something similar and i stood stock still for a moment remembering how you'd kiss, how you'd touch me and all the bullshit you had ever said to me. i already knew i was going to leave him then, i'd set a deadline of sorts in my head but having that reminder of you certainly didn't help me stay with him.
so yes, i have had enough of this. we can't be friends. we would never have been friends under normal circumstances. too different. i'm fussy about who i call a friend and you have done nothing to merit that title with me. i have grown and being with him was a reminder about what i should be looking for, even if i didn't have it with him. and you're none of it. have the balls to face your own problems face on instead of looking for an escape. it was fair game when i was in it for the same reasons but now that i'm not you should take your self-pity and self-absorption somewhere else. find someone else to fuck with if you won't/ can't grow balls instead of fucking with my head.
i'm going to read this reminder to myself until it becomes a mantra. so i'll be ready next time.
yes, I'm disappointed in you
but we are only human after all
I suppose that's something I don't get, wilfully making the choice that you have knowing full well that it will hurt you in the end. I cling too strongly to my pride to consciously let myself do that which might be, is a fault on its own terms.
I guess in the back of my mind I'm afraid that I too might falter the next time I see S. That I might be prey to the same vulnerabilities try as I may. But then again things between S and I are not what they are between the two of you.
A lot has happened between April/May and now. And he is not a person who could stand up to me or who has earned my respect. I will hate myself if I succumb against my will again. Remember this.
but we are only human after all
I suppose that's something I don't get, wilfully making the choice that you have knowing full well that it will hurt you in the end. I cling too strongly to my pride to consciously let myself do that which might be, is a fault on its own terms.
I guess in the back of my mind I'm afraid that I too might falter the next time I see S. That I might be prey to the same vulnerabilities try as I may. But then again things between S and I are not what they are between the two of you.
A lot has happened between April/May and now. And he is not a person who could stand up to me or who has earned my respect. I will hate myself if I succumb against my will again. Remember this.
breath
It has been raining continuously for 30 hours. All I really want to do is to nurse a mug of tea and idly watch the water coming down. I test the temperature and my breath produces little puffs of air. It makes me feel like a baby dragon, making tentative little smoke trails.
Gazing out from the living room I notice that someone in the flat facing mine left a pair of jeans out. It must be drenched by now. Briefly wonder about the lives other people lead. Somewhere someone is doing exactly what I wish I were doing now, curled up in an armchair with a view of the city.
I like making those little hot air puffs. It reminds me that I’m in a foreign country living a different life. I correct my own thoughts: this country is different, but not foreign. This life is different and temporary. It is an interlude from the real world that awaits me at the end of this degree. The finish line I wish would come sooner but would also postpone for as long as possible. The inevitable return to a country I both love and despise, which I have never felt at home in. I know this feeling of dispossession is hardly unique to me. Others have felt this way.
It might be a diaspora thing, this eternal reaching towards an imaginary homeland. Maybe not. It might be the result of growing up in an environment both localized and foreign. A little bubble on the surface of the water. This country I am in now is not quite home but in a sense it comes closer to being home than the place that is ostensibly mine. I don’t feel displaced here even with everyone gone. But I haven’t gone native either. I’m not quite sure what to make of this feeling of being suspended between two places.
Shaking myself out of this haze, I get up and go to the kitchen for a glass of water before returning to my room. I wish for a moment there was a man in there waiting for me instead of my thesis. Damn thesis.
Gazing out from the living room I notice that someone in the flat facing mine left a pair of jeans out. It must be drenched by now. Briefly wonder about the lives other people lead. Somewhere someone is doing exactly what I wish I were doing now, curled up in an armchair with a view of the city.
I like making those little hot air puffs. It reminds me that I’m in a foreign country living a different life. I correct my own thoughts: this country is different, but not foreign. This life is different and temporary. It is an interlude from the real world that awaits me at the end of this degree. The finish line I wish would come sooner but would also postpone for as long as possible. The inevitable return to a country I both love and despise, which I have never felt at home in. I know this feeling of dispossession is hardly unique to me. Others have felt this way.
It might be a diaspora thing, this eternal reaching towards an imaginary homeland. Maybe not. It might be the result of growing up in an environment both localized and foreign. A little bubble on the surface of the water. This country I am in now is not quite home but in a sense it comes closer to being home than the place that is ostensibly mine. I don’t feel displaced here even with everyone gone. But I haven’t gone native either. I’m not quite sure what to make of this feeling of being suspended between two places.
Shaking myself out of this haze, I get up and go to the kitchen for a glass of water before returning to my room. I wish for a moment there was a man in there waiting for me instead of my thesis. Damn thesis.
Friday, September 05, 2008
thbbpppt.
I don't care if it's extravagant. I'll eat truffle scrambled eggs for breakfast if I want.
socially acceptable addictions pt.1
lip balm is my crack
and i've found a new dealer: http://mylipstuff.com
seriously, 400 plus flavours? ooohh... and they actually do smell exactly like the description given. i ordered a lot of 10 (excessive, yes. justified, yes. now go away, i'll put them to good use. and they're cheap! and this is my new way to destress - online shopping cause i'm tied to my desk grumble grumble, stupid thesis..) a couple of weeks back and this is what i got:
vanilla ice cream (wearing this now. yum! it's like having a maccas (McDs to you) softserve icecream perpetually under my nose)
almond
mango
cherry pie
caramel sundae
white chocolate raspberry
peaches and cream
strawberries and champagne
strawberries and chocolate
french kiss (this caught my eye cause of the name but the description sounded delicious too: bourbon, apricot, grenadine and lemon - who am i to walk away from boozy lip balm?)
and they threw in a free one too - mixed mystery which is a mixture of godknowswhat but it smells like cherries to me
as for the lip balm itself, it's fantastic. it's untinted and actually slightly glossy, goes on like a dream (like buttah!), doesn't just sit on my lips like some do, and is all natural. which is to say that there's no petrolatum or nasty petroleum by-products in it. just sunflower oil, beeswax, cocoa butter, sweet almond oil, castor oil, jojoba oil, avocado oil, aloe vera and essential/ flavour oils. the ingredient list sounds almost like a salad to me.
the website even has vegan lip balm which swap out the beeswax for candellila wax. there isn't much flavour to it, it's just scented to me but i suppose that's a good thing otherwise i'd be literally eating my own lips. i'm already eyeing more stuff on the site. it's less than 1/5th the price of the stuff i've been using (lush, philosophy) and just as good if not better (cause it's natural!!). and the choices... love! honestly, some of the labels alone would get me: 'a little S&M' anyone? i want the mood balms now - stressed, naughty, fiesty, hungry (actually that would be good for SL)
if anyone is reading this, you now know what i'm going to be giving out in december
I'm on a vanilla kick right now. I'm craving vanilla chocolate and wearing Lush's American Cream scent. It's the warmest, most comforting scent I have come across and like Lush things in general is so much more than just one flat note. It's distinctly vanilla but kinked up with layers of clary sage, a bit of lavender, a bit of honey and just a hint of fresh, slightly tart strawberries. I wish they used this scent in more things instead of just a conditioner and solid perfume because it soothes me and seems to calm me down. it sends a message to my brain: step away from the edge.
ok, ditzy post over.
- back to our regular programme of thesis-related complaints now -
(yay, E is coming tomorrow! chirrup!)
and i've found a new dealer: http://mylipstuff.com
seriously, 400 plus flavours? ooohh... and they actually do smell exactly like the description given. i ordered a lot of 10 (excessive, yes. justified, yes. now go away, i'll put them to good use. and they're cheap! and this is my new way to destress - online shopping cause i'm tied to my desk grumble grumble, stupid thesis..) a couple of weeks back and this is what i got:
vanilla ice cream (wearing this now. yum! it's like having a maccas (McDs to you) softserve icecream perpetually under my nose)
almond
mango
cherry pie
caramel sundae
white chocolate raspberry
peaches and cream
strawberries and champagne
strawberries and chocolate
french kiss (this caught my eye cause of the name but the description sounded delicious too: bourbon, apricot, grenadine and lemon - who am i to walk away from boozy lip balm?)
and they threw in a free one too - mixed mystery which is a mixture of godknowswhat but it smells like cherries to me
as for the lip balm itself, it's fantastic. it's untinted and actually slightly glossy, goes on like a dream (like buttah!), doesn't just sit on my lips like some do, and is all natural. which is to say that there's no petrolatum or nasty petroleum by-products in it. just sunflower oil, beeswax, cocoa butter, sweet almond oil, castor oil, jojoba oil, avocado oil, aloe vera and essential/ flavour oils. the ingredient list sounds almost like a salad to me.
the website even has vegan lip balm which swap out the beeswax for candellila wax. there isn't much flavour to it, it's just scented to me but i suppose that's a good thing otherwise i'd be literally eating my own lips. i'm already eyeing more stuff on the site. it's less than 1/5th the price of the stuff i've been using (lush, philosophy) and just as good if not better (cause it's natural!!). and the choices... love! honestly, some of the labels alone would get me: 'a little S&M' anyone? i want the mood balms now - stressed, naughty, fiesty, hungry (actually that would be good for SL)
if anyone is reading this, you now know what i'm going to be giving out in december
I'm on a vanilla kick right now. I'm craving vanilla chocolate and wearing Lush's American Cream scent. It's the warmest, most comforting scent I have come across and like Lush things in general is so much more than just one flat note. It's distinctly vanilla but kinked up with layers of clary sage, a bit of lavender, a bit of honey and just a hint of fresh, slightly tart strawberries. I wish they used this scent in more things instead of just a conditioner and solid perfume because it soothes me and seems to calm me down. it sends a message to my brain: step away from the edge.
ok, ditzy post over.
- back to our regular programme of thesis-related complaints now -
(yay, E is coming tomorrow! chirrup!)
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
a gripe
shoot me.
political agency
translation of norms from the international arena to the local level
power relations
state-civil society nexus
inadequacies of civil socety
historical contingency
this is what I'm talking about? fuck me, I'm giving myself permanent headache and setting myself up for a lifetime of poverty. seriously who would hire an Arts student who decides to launch on a critique of both the state and civil society. fine, I could be an academic and sit in the ivory tower and make incisive critiques that no one but other academics would ever bother with but that would require more of this. every convoluted, 5 line long sentence that get teased and tortured out of my head makes me grimace. Because they are convoluted, 5 line long sentences which convey judgements I may not even be in a position to make.
this thing has a life of its own.
should have done taken the Wittgenstein approach and said that none of this is real because there's no such thing as theory. therefore civil society does not exist. it is an abstract notion that has no relation to reality. norms do not exist. the state is a figment of the imagination. ugh. can't do that. Wittgenstein = GK = nutter.
plus I'm doing grounded theory. not just any old theory.
I should sleep on this and come back to it tomorrow but I'm too wired from the coffee I just had. this is fucking with my sleep patterns to the point that I'm confused by it. not that that's hard to do.
I want someone to play with. kidding kidding! (beinggoodbeinggood, E)
no time for that anyway >(
political agency
translation of norms from the international arena to the local level
power relations
state-civil society nexus
inadequacies of civil socety
historical contingency
this is what I'm talking about? fuck me, I'm giving myself permanent headache and setting myself up for a lifetime of poverty. seriously who would hire an Arts student who decides to launch on a critique of both the state and civil society. fine, I could be an academic and sit in the ivory tower and make incisive critiques that no one but other academics would ever bother with but that would require more of this. every convoluted, 5 line long sentence that get teased and tortured out of my head makes me grimace. Because they are convoluted, 5 line long sentences which convey judgements I may not even be in a position to make.
this thing has a life of its own.
should have done taken the Wittgenstein approach and said that none of this is real because there's no such thing as theory. therefore civil society does not exist. it is an abstract notion that has no relation to reality. norms do not exist. the state is a figment of the imagination. ugh. can't do that. Wittgenstein = GK = nutter.
plus I'm doing grounded theory. not just any old theory.
I should sleep on this and come back to it tomorrow but I'm too wired from the coffee I just had. this is fucking with my sleep patterns to the point that I'm confused by it. not that that's hard to do.
I want someone to play with. kidding kidding! (beinggoodbeinggood, E)
no time for that anyway >(
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