idle thoughts

I was thinking while carving up a roasted chicken. Tearing the meat off the bone structure of a chicken is something I suck at. It takes forever. So I started thinking of a conversation a few months ago, about infidelity and whether it's acceptable and even normal.

To me, it is not acceptable and it is not normal. I would leave any man who cheated on me, regardless of how sorry he may be or how many excuses he may make. And likewise, I would leave someone I could not be faithful to instead of prolonging the relationship. Here's why.

To argue that man is inherently incapable of monogamy smacks of determinism and is a blatant denial of free will. True, men are more inclined towards having multiple partners than women are. It's a throwback to prehistoric times and a fact of nature. But this alone is not enough to justify infidelity because humans, unlike animals, have free will. This capacity to make rational choices and morality are elements which distinguish man from beast. A person who cannot rise above his baser instincts is not fully developed as an individual, both mentally and morally. Fidelity is something every person in a serious relationship has the right to expect from his/ her partner.

It is also a matter of respect. A person who truly respects and values a relationship would not then jeopardize it by seeking attention from a third party. It can be argued that there are extenuating circumstances, problems in the relationship but these are excuses, not reasons. However troubled the two of you may be, if it is worth holding on to, the last thing you do is to find someone else to play with. To do so is to wilfully and deliberately hurt your partner. If it's not working out, the two people would be better off going their separate ways.

To accept infidelity, physical or emotional, as inevitable is to perpetuate a vicious cycle upon both your current relationship and future ones. Because he, having gotten away with it once, is likely to carry the belief that most women will forgive and forget infidelity into future relationships. And she, having it stamped into her consciousness that the genetic predisposition is an excuse for infidelity, will allow it to happen in future relationships.

Conflating the weaknesses of the individual with the tendencies of the sex is flawed. And yes, I do believe that it is a sign of weakness, and that it marks a personal lack of self control and responsibility. I've been there before but I hope to have learnt better.

The argument that men just can't be monogamous is not one which holds water these days. Infidelity is less common than you might suppose - one in five men and one in ten women have commited infidelity during their marriages. It is not inevitable for a man or a woman to cheat.