The company was good. So much so that I failed to notice until much later that the food wasn't actually as good as I remembered it to be. The deep fried prawn, chicken, fish, and mashed potato thing were lukewarm bordering on cold and the sashimi was dry as if it had been prepared a few hours ago. But I ate it all anyway. The whole dinner bento box (this is where you break out the applause). Not bad, but not what I remembered it to be.
The barbequed squid was good though.
Fucking sydney is fucking freezing. It's been like the middle of winter for the past two days - 15degrees out, plus rain, plus knock-you-over wind. Really. Thank you. I felt a cold catching this afternoon but dinner seems to have chased it away. Also chased dinner with a walk through the city (late night shopping Thursday, y'know! shops open til 9! excitement) and something I haven't had for years - one of those Japanese green tea ice cream things encased in wafer with red bean in the middle. Eating ice cream when it's cold is really counterintuitive. My head says no, my tastebuds go 'yes please!'. No prizes for guessing who wins. And because my tastebuds are self indulgent, the rest of me couldn't try on clothes. Which of course means a return trip is necessary.
And contrary to popular belief (really people, I do have some sense of morality that actually functions now and then. And it's functioning full swing right now) I am being good and staying away from all of them nasty liddle (or not so liddle) addictions. Mind over body.
The bad news is that the same ethics are also starting to hammer at me for all of the following reasons:-
i. eating unsustainably farmed food - meat and veg
ii. eating unethically grown meat
iii. eating un-local produce (both meat and veg again)
iv. eating processed 'food' and junk
In sum, contributing to the 'military-industrial complex' that fuels bad health and divorces people from nature by so easily turning that cow into an unrecognizable patty with corn filler.
It's also bad for the environment.
read
M. Pollan compacts the contents of 'the omnivore's dilemma' here AND offers solutions too. You will need an account with the NY Times to access the article, but it's free. Alternatively you could wait until the next time you see me in person and get the lowdown from me, significantly simplified and edited for content depending on the inconsistencies of my memory. Just sign up for an account dammit, save us all the trouble :p
Whether this will impact my eating habits remains to be seen. Because my carefully nurtured ethics are coming up against my culturally-ingrained apathy and cynicism. Activism vs. defeatism. Sit back and watch.
See, this is where all my energy is being redirected.
This weather calls for Miles Davis. It's a thing I have. Jazz goes well with hibernation. hibernate. zzzzz
It's nice not having anything to do. :)
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
this week
this is the plan for the week so far:-
return the library books that are cluttering my room
meet Duncan and plan mamak session
dinner with C on Thursday. get hit with sugar if there's anything appetizing. the offerings this year don't appeal to me that much. what do you think?
carry out massive clean up of room
think about summarizing research findings for participants
hunt down cupcakes in the city (ooh.. wild game)
oh, and i went shopping today :)
1 dress (to add to my ever expanding collection). quite proper. not a sundress, more for dinner. stretchy and close fitting, cream upper, black lower. just above knee. v front and back. argh, you'll see. maybe.
2 pairs of shorts. basic. i left my fave pair of shorts in kl. genius
1 tank top. basic.
1 belt (because some of my dresses need a belt to look good). heart.
the belt i got needed an extra hole or two so it'd stay up instead of falling halfway down onto my hips. the guy at the shoe and watch place was nice - he did it for free
return the library books that are cluttering my room
meet Duncan and plan mamak session
dinner with C on Thursday. get hit with sugar if there's anything appetizing. the offerings this year don't appeal to me that much. what do you think?
carry out massive clean up of room
think about summarizing research findings for participants
hunt down cupcakes in the city (ooh.. wild game)
oh, and i went shopping today :)
1 dress (to add to my ever expanding collection). quite proper. not a sundress, more for dinner. stretchy and close fitting, cream upper, black lower. just above knee. v front and back. argh, you'll see. maybe.
2 pairs of shorts. basic. i left my fave pair of shorts in kl. genius
1 tank top. basic.
1 belt (because some of my dresses need a belt to look good). heart.
the belt i got needed an extra hole or two so it'd stay up instead of falling halfway down onto my hips. the guy at the shoe and watch place was nice - he did it for free
done
yeah, it's done. it felt surreal yesterday, to not have it in my hands anymore, to know that it was complete. the work of almost a year and by far the biggest thing i have ever done.
'empty nest syndrome' my cousin called it.
But today it feels good. To finally have the time to do what I want without feeling guilty for taking precious minutes away from it.
So I made truffle scrambled eggs.
Remember bills' scrambled eggs? The silky texture without a trace of hardness in the eggs? :) I got it perfect today (and without the 1/2 cup of cream too)
nyam
I now have to clear off my desk and clean up my room - papers, journal articles, chapter drafts from march through to the final full draft in october, LIBRARY BOOKS (two trips)
I'm going to spend the next month of so doing (almost - because I'm being good) everything I've meant to do since March. And I'm also in the mood to cook for the first time in months. Maybe I'll set up a cafe with my sisters and use my thesis as wallpaper. Hmm..
And no, no plans to do a PhD. Or to turn my thesis into a book.
'empty nest syndrome' my cousin called it.
But today it feels good. To finally have the time to do what I want without feeling guilty for taking precious minutes away from it.
So I made truffle scrambled eggs.
Remember bills' scrambled eggs? The silky texture without a trace of hardness in the eggs? :) I got it perfect today (and without the 1/2 cup of cream too)
nyam
I now have to clear off my desk and clean up my room - papers, journal articles, chapter drafts from march through to the final full draft in october, LIBRARY BOOKS (two trips)
I'm going to spend the next month of so doing (almost - because I'm being good) everything I've meant to do since March. And I'm also in the mood to cook for the first time in months. Maybe I'll set up a cafe with my sisters and use my thesis as wallpaper. Hmm..
And no, no plans to do a PhD. Or to turn my thesis into a book.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
speculate
Someone has my address here. Someone I do not remember giving my address to. Which means someone has been snooping because this someone does not know any of my friends (here).
How do I know this?
I had the earliest birthday present ever in the mail today.
was it YOU?
How do I know this?
I had the earliest birthday present ever in the mail today.
was it YOU?
it's your fault i took this!
the questions and options irritated me - i find very few things morally objectable but many of them are intellectually absent or tasteless. and what if you try to walk whenever possible BUT your family also owns luxury cars, cars that are fuel efficient, as well as second hand cars?
but i'm surprised at how 'not proud' i am. less surprised at what would send me to hell..
| Greed: | High | |
| Gluttony: | High | |
| Wrath: | Medium | |
| Sloth: | High | |
| Envy: | Very Low | |
| Lust: | Very High | |
| Pride: | Medium |
The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
today
I spoke with a man with the most brilliant blue eyes I have ever seen. They were jewel-toned, the colour of sapphires. Blue eyes and black hair get me every time
I amused myself by observing a pretty bubble head in the library
I picked up a copy of The Omnivore's Dilemma
I was offered a gingerbread man for oktoberfest
I smiled a bit at every head that turned
I had my usual large skim latte, one sugar and banana bread, toasted and buttered
I shivered in the wind
I relished every minute here because I know they are coming to an end
I amused myself by observing a pretty bubble head in the library
I picked up a copy of The Omnivore's Dilemma
I was offered a gingerbread man for oktoberfest
I smiled a bit at every head that turned
I had my usual large skim latte, one sugar and banana bread, toasted and buttered
I shivered in the wind
I relished every minute here because I know they are coming to an end
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
the end is near
tweet tweet tweet tweet!
It's almost done
:)
just a couple of thorough read throughs to check for consistency from start to finish and then it's done. for good. monday, october 20 2008, 12pm will mark the end of this phase.
It's almost done
:)
just a couple of thorough read throughs to check for consistency from start to finish and then it's done. for good. monday, october 20 2008, 12pm will mark the end of this phase.
Monday, October 13, 2008
book list
In preparation for freedom. I have a lot to catch up on
Michael Pollan - The Omnivore's Dilemma
- In Defense of Food
Peter Singer & Jim Mason - The Ethics of What We Eat
Jennifer McLagan - Fat: An Appreciation of a Misunderstood Ingredient
The Waiter - Thanks for the Tip: Confessions of a Cynical Waiter (Waiter Rant is brilliant)
TBC
Michael Pollan - The Omnivore's Dilemma
- In Defense of Food
Peter Singer & Jim Mason - The Ethics of What We Eat
Jennifer McLagan - Fat: An Appreciation of a Misunderstood Ingredient
The Waiter - Thanks for the Tip: Confessions of a Cynical Waiter (Waiter Rant is brilliant)
TBC
constellations
the End is in sight. the email read that tomorrow's meeting will be short. I interpret that to mean that there's little to correct or change and it is near acceptable for submission.
So I tripped home, first peaches of the season in hand, dawdling and anticipating. And admiring my gold nails every chance I got. Every time I want to check my watch I get distracted and look at my nails instead and forget about the time. tsk.
:)
The bad news, depending on how you see it, is that I feel the stirrings of my ink addiction. I should name them, just for ease of reference (and also because I secretly think they've each got a distinct personality. Or they are associated with a different me). The last one kept me satisfied for almost two years now, so that's a bit of a record. No piercings etc since then either.16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21 and nothing up to now. It IS a new record! woo hoo! I can't believe I got something done every year of my life since I was 16. Never counted until now.
This time around I want something
a. at the base of my neck/top of my back (obviously)
b. shoulder blade
first choice would be a. but that would leave the problem of concealing it should I ever be unfortunate enough to land in a conservative workplace. As for what it would be.... I've come full circle - I want another star. Perhaps a smaller one, not a carbon copy of the first but there aren't that many variations on stars.
Which gives me an interesting idea. I could eventually have a smattering of stars across my body/ canvas. Not just black or solid stars either, maybe have a few red stars, a few outlines of stars, different sizes. That kind of thing. OR instead of having a completely random scatter of stars, I could place them in apparently random positions but have them form a sign/ something-i-just-don't-know-what-yet if I were to draw an imaginary line connecting them. Connect the dots. ooh...
So, a constellation of stars or connect the dots (stars). This would keep me occupied for a decade, I would think. And because each one would be so (relatively that is) small, I could get them done more frequently. Yes, let's bring some order into this whole milestone thing instead of ending up with a completely random assortment of creatures and symbols. Bigger picture yeah
So I tripped home, first peaches of the season in hand, dawdling and anticipating. And admiring my gold nails every chance I got. Every time I want to check my watch I get distracted and look at my nails instead and forget about the time. tsk.
:)
The bad news, depending on how you see it, is that I feel the stirrings of my ink addiction. I should name them, just for ease of reference (and also because I secretly think they've each got a distinct personality. Or they are associated with a different me). The last one kept me satisfied for almost two years now, so that's a bit of a record. No piercings etc since then either.16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21 and nothing up to now. It IS a new record! woo hoo! I can't believe I got something done every year of my life since I was 16. Never counted until now.
This time around I want something
a. at the base of my neck/top of my back (obviously)
b. shoulder blade
first choice would be a. but that would leave the problem of concealing it should I ever be unfortunate enough to land in a conservative workplace. As for what it would be.... I've come full circle - I want another star. Perhaps a smaller one, not a carbon copy of the first but there aren't that many variations on stars.
Which gives me an interesting idea. I could eventually have a smattering of stars across my body/ canvas. Not just black or solid stars either, maybe have a few red stars, a few outlines of stars, different sizes. That kind of thing. OR instead of having a completely random scatter of stars, I could place them in apparently random positions but have them form a sign/ something-i-just-don't-know-what-yet if I were to draw an imaginary line connecting them. Connect the dots. ooh...
So, a constellation of stars or connect the dots (stars). This would keep me occupied for a decade, I would think. And because each one would be so (relatively that is) small, I could get them done more frequently. Yes, let's bring some order into this whole milestone thing instead of ending up with a completely random assortment of creatures and symbols. Bigger picture yeah
Saturday, October 11, 2008
self-praise
I have to admit, even as IT drives me insane editing it, I love the complexity of my thesis. Reading the first few paragraphs that state succintly what it's about makes me positively purr.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
almost there
I *heart* gnocchi filled with spinach and ricotta. It doesn't even need sauce. Browned butter might be nice. mmmm..
The meeting over the first draft lasted two and a half hours but it didn't seem like 2.5 hours. Must have been the coffee. Surprisingly little to change though even if it'll take a few full days to correct. Minor details here and there but Duncan still hasn't criticized anything I've written much. He talks about how he kept scribbling 'excellent!!' instead and wanted a stamp so he wouldn't have to keep writing that. I hope it's just me being overly critical of my own work rather than him being overly easy to impress/ lenient. Now, finding more things to cut is going to be hell. Damn word count. Shouldn't have it. It's repressive.
gnocchignocchignocchignocchi. love the sound of it. gnocchi. too much coffee. gnocchi. shiny blind-you-bright fuschia nails. gnocchi
The meeting over the first draft lasted two and a half hours but it didn't seem like 2.5 hours. Must have been the coffee. Surprisingly little to change though even if it'll take a few full days to correct. Minor details here and there but Duncan still hasn't criticized anything I've written much. He talks about how he kept scribbling 'excellent!!' instead and wanted a stamp so he wouldn't have to keep writing that. I hope it's just me being overly critical of my own work rather than him being overly easy to impress/ lenient. Now, finding more things to cut is going to be hell. Damn word count. Shouldn't have it. It's repressive.
gnocchignocchignocchignocchi. love the sound of it. gnocchi. too much coffee. gnocchi. shiny blind-you-bright fuschia nails. gnocchi
Monday, October 06, 2008
this
I loved you once before and maybe I still care, which is why I won't ignore you. Also because I'm being civil.
But I am over this back and forth game that you're trying to play. So when you ask me how I'm doing, I'll reply. And when you ask me to meet you now, you'll need to give me a reason to.
But I am over this back and forth game that you're trying to play. So when you ask me how I'm doing, I'll reply. And when you ask me to meet you now, you'll need to give me a reason to.
eat
lunch. blanch asparagus. garlic sauteed in olive oil, capers, spaghettini, asparagus, crumble feta, smoked salmon, squeeze lemon. drizzle e.v. olive oil. yum.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
i hear the constant sound of yarping
9am:
still asleep, i hear
yarp yarp yarp yarp
(cover head with pillow and go back to sleep)
11am:
i wake up to more
yarp yarp yarp yarp
they made headphones and microphones for a reason. and do you have to make the living room your phone booth? yergh
blast PotUSA in return.
hehehehe
still asleep, i hear
yarp yarp yarp yarp
(cover head with pillow and go back to sleep)
11am:
i wake up to more
yarp yarp yarp yarp
they made headphones and microphones for a reason. and do you have to make the living room your phone booth? yergh
blast PotUSA in return.
hehehehe
Friday, October 03, 2008
signs of summer
bikinis (yay, skin!)
shorts and mini skirts and dresses instead of jeans
strawberries on the cheap, all the time
which naturally means that I eat a punnet a day (sometimes)
because they are that good. that red, that sweet, not even dipping them in dark chocolate tops these berries fresh and unadulterated
:)
and yes, that is a package you see in the background. my cousin sent me a message two days ago - keep an eye out for the postman in a week!
it came today
and.. (now i know you'll scold me..)
this was in it
card telling me to hang in there
and the entire Zoya gossip collection
which completely satisfies all my hot-pink and purple cravings :) i know, i know..
plus Zoya ki, top coat, base coat, and quick dry drops
(photos taken with 1.3MP cameraphone so excuse the quality)
on another note, i was distracted by the presence of prawns (not dried, fresh and butterflied) in my papaya salad and wondering about the contents of my package. this is what happened
ooh prawns, i don't think they usually put prawns in papaya salad
(lifts a forkful of salad, briefly note red specks but continue pondering prawns)
munch munch munch
ow. shit. damn chilli. cili padi too
Thursday, October 02, 2008
-germinating-
Ok, this will take the place of my no-go solo jump
Places to visit/ worship in Thailand:
Ayuthaya
Chiang Mai (yes, again) - take the train up from BKK
BKK (obviously)
islands - not sure which ones yet, but eyeing Phi Phi
want to check out the south too but these bloody travel warnings.. the food would be different there from central and northern Thailand. it would only be fair!
and then off the beaten track (at least as far off as you can get in Thailand..) :
Ranong?
"The least charming of the Andaman coast's provincial capitals, Ranong lies on the east bank of tea-brown Pak Chan estuary, a short boat ride from Myanmar. This is a frontier town through and through, with a frenetic, downtrodden feel and a mix of Burmese and Thais scrambling for your tourist dollar. The town attempts to woo visitors not only with its interesting visa runs to Myanmar (Burma), but with a clutch of natural hot springs and a handful of tumbledown historic buildings. Even if you don't need to renew your visa, it's well worth taking the opportunity to have a cup of tea in Myanmar - but the bleak town of Ranong doesn't entice a stay longer than a day or two." - Lonely Planet
bleakness sounds promising. and i could hop across the border into Myanmar for a bit. but i don't like the sound of frenetic Burmese and Thais scrambling for my tourist dollar. bears consideration this one.
not off the beaten track but intruiging:
Pattaya
this is what Lonely Planet (again, so help me) says about it
"A heavy-breathing and testosterone-fuelled testament to holiday hedonism, Pattaya has lured tourists for almost four decades, and it's showing no sign of slowing down. And as past visitors move on to more genteel Thai resorts, first-time travellers from Russia and Eastern Europe now air their new passports with a fling in Asia's first and foremost Sin City. Anyone for Pattayagrad?"
herm... maybe to humour my curiousity
I have this urge to cover all corners of Thailand and then trek back to the center for a civilized break with the family. But the south is off limits for now, the Andaman coast offers Phuket but 'been there done that' and the rest of that side still has a [recovering from the tsunami] sign hung on the door. that might be an opportunity to do some 'community tourism' but god, how I hate the sound of that. It's so patronising and do-gooder who comes in for a weekend and goes 'oh, i helped rebuild this village'. harumph.
ALTERNATIVELY
It could be a BKK - Chiang Mai -
option (a) transit in bkk and take land route into Cambodia to trip out at Angkor again - 6 hours on dirt roads isn't that bad, done it before :) it gives you a massive headache but yeah, not unbearable
option (b) transit in bkk and take train into Laos and make way to Vientiane
option (c) take bus from Chiang Mai to border town of Huay Xai (Laos) and boat into Luang Prabang (yay, Laotian boat person!) and then check out Vientiane?
and that's as far as I've got right now. Eventually to head back to BKK and Ayuthaya and BKK and finally KL.
Laos sounds quite appealing actually. Angkor can wait for another trip and I've been there once, even if it wasn't enough.
Places to visit/ worship in Thailand:
Ayuthaya
Chiang Mai (yes, again) - take the train up from BKK
BKK (obviously)
islands - not sure which ones yet, but eyeing Phi Phi
want to check out the south too but these bloody travel warnings.. the food would be different there from central and northern Thailand. it would only be fair!
and then off the beaten track (at least as far off as you can get in Thailand..) :
Ranong?
"The least charming of the Andaman coast's provincial capitals, Ranong lies on the east bank of tea-brown Pak Chan estuary, a short boat ride from Myanmar. This is a frontier town through and through, with a frenetic, downtrodden feel and a mix of Burmese and Thais scrambling for your tourist dollar. The town attempts to woo visitors not only with its interesting visa runs to Myanmar (Burma), but with a clutch of natural hot springs and a handful of tumbledown historic buildings. Even if you don't need to renew your visa, it's well worth taking the opportunity to have a cup of tea in Myanmar - but the bleak town of Ranong doesn't entice a stay longer than a day or two." - Lonely Planet
bleakness sounds promising. and i could hop across the border into Myanmar for a bit. but i don't like the sound of frenetic Burmese and Thais scrambling for my tourist dollar. bears consideration this one.
not off the beaten track but intruiging:
Pattaya
this is what Lonely Planet (again, so help me) says about it
"A heavy-breathing and testosterone-fuelled testament to holiday hedonism, Pattaya has lured tourists for almost four decades, and it's showing no sign of slowing down. And as past visitors move on to more genteel Thai resorts, first-time travellers from Russia and Eastern Europe now air their new passports with a fling in Asia's first and foremost Sin City. Anyone for Pattayagrad?"
herm... maybe to humour my curiousity
I have this urge to cover all corners of Thailand and then trek back to the center for a civilized break with the family. But the south is off limits for now, the Andaman coast offers Phuket but 'been there done that' and the rest of that side still has a [recovering from the tsunami] sign hung on the door. that might be an opportunity to do some 'community tourism' but god, how I hate the sound of that. It's so patronising and do-gooder who comes in for a weekend and goes 'oh, i helped rebuild this village'. harumph.
ALTERNATIVELY
It could be a BKK - Chiang Mai -
option (a) transit in bkk and take land route into Cambodia to trip out at Angkor again - 6 hours on dirt roads isn't that bad, done it before :) it gives you a massive headache but yeah, not unbearable
option (b) transit in bkk and take train into Laos and make way to Vientiane
option (c) take bus from Chiang Mai to border town of Huay Xai (Laos) and boat into Luang Prabang (yay, Laotian boat person!) and then check out Vientiane?
and that's as far as I've got right now. Eventually to head back to BKK and Ayuthaya and BKK and finally KL.
Laos sounds quite appealing actually. Angkor can wait for another trip and I've been there once, even if it wasn't enough.
trip?
before i forget, this is an idea
december - Bangkok with sisters and mom is on. For a few days only though. Go earlier and backpack around for 2-3 weeks? JL might be in Chiang Mai by then, T in Bangkok
might be able to rope in JL for island hopping. ko samui, phiphi!! probably not full moon parties though. over the booze and drugs and partying thing.
ooh, could hop over the border into siam reap. and then laos. and maybe vietnam. not sure what's in myanmar but junta there.. ergh. hmm... wanderlust..
research! of the good kind :)
and I have until monday off from thesis stuff. yay!
december - Bangkok with sisters and mom is on. For a few days only though. Go earlier and backpack around for 2-3 weeks? JL might be in Chiang Mai by then, T in Bangkok
might be able to rope in JL for island hopping. ko samui, phiphi!! probably not full moon parties though. over the booze and drugs and partying thing.
ooh, could hop over the border into siam reap. and then laos. and maybe vietnam. not sure what's in myanmar but junta there.. ergh. hmm... wanderlust..
research! of the good kind :)
and I have until monday off from thesis stuff. yay!
lazy dazy
mwrr... not having urgent work to do disorients me
i need:-
a haircut
fruits
an espresso machine
only 1 out of 3 is feasible right now but no matter
i want:-
*cough* nevermind
also vaguely tempted by the sound of Jo Malone's nectarine blossom and honey scent. hmm... $80. frig
papaya salad
yum!
toodle doo
oh right, clothes..
i need:-
a haircut
fruits
an espresso machine
only 1 out of 3 is feasible right now but no matter
i want:-
*cough* nevermind
also vaguely tempted by the sound of Jo Malone's nectarine blossom and honey scent. hmm... $80. frig
papaya salad
yum!
toodle doo
oh right, clothes..
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
hehehehe
so.
I'm painting my nails OPI's 'go on green'. it's that pale blue-green shimmer someone though might be bitchy looking but it's actually not.
in between chatting with a friend online. and this is a snippet:
IP says:
but I'm a boy
IP says:
it'll be kinda weird painting my nails...
jeen says:
you could paint them with...
jeen says:
(wait again)
jeen says:
http://glossifieds.blogspot.com/search?q=man+glaze
jeen says:
hahaha
IP says:
ewewewewewewewewewewewew
IP says:
dowaaan!
jeen says:
hahahaha
jeen says:
just saying..
IP says:
yesh
jeen says:
eh, but it's not shiny
jeen says:
at all!!
IP says:
I'm. Not. Painting. My. Nails. Period.
jeen says:
dammit
jeen says:
wait, when i get back
jeen says:
you'll get to see my fabolous coloured nails
jeen says:
and then you'll want some for yourself!
IP says:
omg...you so used to do this as a kid, didn't you?
IP says:
tie up boys and paint their nails?
jeen says:
tsk
jeen says:
nope
jeen says:
i put gold glitter on the seat of their chairs though
IP says:
how mean!
IP says:
wasting all that gold glitter
IP says:
!
jeen says:
so not wasted... it shows up really well on brown pants
hehhehheh.. I can't believe I used to do that. good times.. much more innocent times too
but the present is good too. complex maybe, but all the richer for the complexity
I'm painting my nails OPI's 'go on green'. it's that pale blue-green shimmer someone though might be bitchy looking but it's actually not.
in between chatting with a friend online. and this is a snippet:
IP says:
but I'm a boy
IP says:
it'll be kinda weird painting my nails...
jeen says:
you could paint them with...
jeen says:
(wait again)
jeen says:
http://glossifieds.blogspot.com/search?q=man+glaze
jeen says:
hahaha
IP says:
ewewewewewewewewewewewew
IP says:
dowaaan!
jeen says:
hahahaha
jeen says:
just saying..
IP says:
yesh
jeen says:
eh, but it's not shiny
jeen says:
at all!!
IP says:
I'm. Not. Painting. My. Nails. Period.
jeen says:
dammit
jeen says:
wait, when i get back
jeen says:
you'll get to see my fabolous coloured nails
jeen says:
and then you'll want some for yourself!
IP says:
omg...you so used to do this as a kid, didn't you?
IP says:
tie up boys and paint their nails?
jeen says:
tsk
jeen says:
nope
jeen says:
i put gold glitter on the seat of their chairs though
IP says:
how mean!
IP says:
wasting all that gold glitter
IP says:
!
jeen says:
so not wasted... it shows up really well on brown pants
hehhehheh.. I can't believe I used to do that. good times.. much more innocent times too
but the present is good too. complex maybe, but all the richer for the complexity
*stretch*
first full draft done
almost full
no concluding section yet
because
word count 19800
not including (3) diagrams and TOC and appendices
need to dream up a title
and put together bibliography properly instead of mumbo jumbo state is in now
stop tinkering and adding stuff
for now
'lost in translation?: Local Agenda 21 in Malaysia and and the limits of participation'
hehehehe
hmm.. i like that
going to rock me gold nails tomorrow
wont dry in time for sleep tonight
hate smudged nails
zzzz
almost full
no concluding section yet
because
word count 19800
not including (3) diagrams and TOC and appendices
need to dream up a title
and put together bibliography properly instead of mumbo jumbo state is in now
stop tinkering and adding stuff
for now
'lost in translation?: Local Agenda 21 in Malaysia and and the limits of participation'
hehehehe
hmm.. i like that
going to rock me gold nails tomorrow
wont dry in time for sleep tonight
hate smudged nails
zzzz
Monday, September 29, 2008
tee hee
I think my supervisor might be the only faculty member with smiley faces drawn on his door
and no, I didn't do it. He probably drew them himself!
and no, I didn't do it. He probably drew them himself!
word (song) association
there are songs i will always associate with particular men. they have a mood and a setting attached to them and without fail take me back to a certain moment when they were playing. here's a list. take a guess if you can. i have the first two playing in my head and on my computer now (these two are a sequence). it started playing in my head first so now i've got to get it out.
The Veronicas - Untouched (bowling alley, first time out with B)
Boys like girls - Hero/heroine (walking past a pizza shop, after leaving his place)
Alicia Keys - Falling (way back when, like waaay back!)
Javier - Crazy (sometime last year)
Colbie Caillat - Magic (while lying in bed with S early this year)
Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars (in the back of a car with another S in the front seat, knowing that things were changing)
Presidents of the United State of America - Peaches (outside a fruit stall, this popped into my head and infected him too)
Ne-yo - Sexy love (first dirty dance >p)
and that's all i can remember for now without going through windows music player song by song. there are others, i know, but it's would take up too much time now
-this is how I feel, and it's so surreal-
The Veronicas - Untouched (bowling alley, first time out with B)
Boys like girls - Hero/heroine (walking past a pizza shop, after leaving his place)
Alicia Keys - Falling (way back when, like waaay back!)
Javier - Crazy (sometime last year)
Colbie Caillat - Magic (while lying in bed with S early this year)
Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars (in the back of a car with another S in the front seat, knowing that things were changing)
Presidents of the United State of America - Peaches (outside a fruit stall, this popped into my head and infected him too)
Ne-yo - Sexy love (first dirty dance >p)
and that's all i can remember for now without going through windows music player song by song. there are others, i know, but it's would take up too much time now
-this is how I feel, and it's so surreal-
Sunday, September 28, 2008
dead calm
The usual cacophony of voices in my head is unusually quiet today. Sure there's a murmur in the background and I hear whispers from the acquisitive one but all else is at ease. Panic is surprisingly silent. This after the manicness of the past week or so.
21315 without a conclusion
this can be done. cut out 2315 words and you're set.
my bottle of booze is getting lighter. half a jar of nescafe in two weeks isn't that bad. the way my sleep patterns are going, in a couple of weeks i'll be back on GMT+10. it'll be full circle :)
but this might just be the eye of the storm.
21315 without a conclusion
this can be done. cut out 2315 words and you're set.
my bottle of booze is getting lighter. half a jar of nescafe in two weeks isn't that bad. the way my sleep patterns are going, in a couple of weeks i'll be back on GMT+10. it'll be full circle :)
but this might just be the eye of the storm.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
argh!
i hate my thesis
i want to burn everything i've written
i want to run away and forfeit honours
i want to jump off the top floor of a 100 storey building
but i live on the second floor. not even the second floor, it's a one and a half floor.
i want to burn everything i've written
i want to run away and forfeit honours
i want to jump off the top floor of a 100 storey building
but i live on the second floor. not even the second floor, it's a one and a half floor.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
An Ode
Your tawny skin is warm to the touch
You nourish me when all else fails
Your perfection inspires me to words
In your sour saltiness my tongue delights
O vegemite on toast, how I love you!
You nourish me when all else fails
Your perfection inspires me to words
In your sour saltiness my tongue delights
O vegemite on toast, how I love you!
a note
we can't have everything in life, and we shouldn't because if we did, we wouldn't appreciate it
strive for perfection even if it is unattainable because it's about the journey as much as what you reach for.
strive for perfection even if it is unattainable because it's about the journey as much as what you reach for.
Monday, September 22, 2008
140 km/h
they say there's a storm coming. "batter down the hatches because we're looking at 115 kmph winds"
as long as it doesn't cut my power supply it'll be fine
there's always a storm coming
as long as it doesn't cut my power supply it'll be fine
there's always a storm coming
Sunday, September 21, 2008
past midnight
At this time of night
the silence is palpable and
the air is almost oppressive
thick and heavy
the way it is before the rain comes
My mind skitters
from thoughts of you
to thoughts of freedom from this self-imposed tyranny
this endless work that consumes my mind
my life
Briefly wonder
'is it arrogance if it is justified?'
the right of the intelligentsia and the merciless
to judge others of inferior intellect
even the brilliant need compassion
My thoughts of you will go unwritten
even as they haunt me
in the depths of the night and the clarity of the morning
The night creaks
and this darkness which has come before
will pass
as it has
the silence is palpable and
the air is almost oppressive
thick and heavy
the way it is before the rain comes
My mind skitters
from thoughts of you
to thoughts of freedom from this self-imposed tyranny
this endless work that consumes my mind
my life
Briefly wonder
'is it arrogance if it is justified?'
the right of the intelligentsia and the merciless
to judge others of inferior intellect
even the brilliant need compassion
My thoughts of you will go unwritten
even as they haunt me
in the depths of the night and the clarity of the morning
The night creaks
and this darkness which has come before
will pass
as it has
grace
philosophy:
how you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. and so it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big gigantic test followed by one big gigantic lesson. in the end, it all comes down to is one word. grace. it's how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, the darkness and the light.
- off the bottle on my desk. amazing grace.
how you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. and so it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big gigantic test followed by one big gigantic lesson. in the end, it all comes down to is one word. grace. it's how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, the darkness and the light.
- off the bottle on my desk. amazing grace.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
doo doo
shit. my printer cartridge has 30 sheets left in it.
shit. UNSW is too cheapskate to pay for access to half the journals I need.
shit. I have a tonne of revisions to make to the draft I have.
shit. I have NO TIME!!
shit. UNSW is too cheapskate to pay for access to half the journals I need.
shit. I have a tonne of revisions to make to the draft I have.
shit. I have NO TIME!!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
version 1.0 (in full)
The first draft of IT is done. IT is patchy and requires significant modification and rewriting before I can consider it acceptable but essentially, IT is done.
12.23am
I remember a friend of my sister's asking me, sometime late last year:
"Jeen, do you find that things get more complicated as you grow older?"
The answer is obvious enough. We grow older, we collect more experiences, more memories. We learn that people, things aren't always or even usually the way we think they should be. Our preconceptions get challenged, our ideals get broken. It's not a bad thing, that's just the way it is. You become richer for the experiences you have had, but they come at a cost too. Moral decisions become difficult to make when you see other people lapsing, "if everyone else is doing that, there's nothing wrong". Peer pressure, the tyranny of the masses, but the masses is composed of individuals like yourself. It's a vicious cycle, the one reinforcing the other.
But learning more and having more empathy for the position of others also contributes to this complication. When you learn to see how the other side feels, imagine what the other must be going through, simple decisions driven by self-interest become un-simple. Who is at fault? What if no one is to blame? Who do you put first? Must you put anyone first? Is there a solution to satisfy both parties? Black/white ceases to exist.
(I like being able to write short short sentences. Such a contrast from those 5 line long ones in IT)
"Jeen, do you find that things get more complicated as you grow older?"
The answer is obvious enough. We grow older, we collect more experiences, more memories. We learn that people, things aren't always or even usually the way we think they should be. Our preconceptions get challenged, our ideals get broken. It's not a bad thing, that's just the way it is. You become richer for the experiences you have had, but they come at a cost too. Moral decisions become difficult to make when you see other people lapsing, "if everyone else is doing that, there's nothing wrong". Peer pressure, the tyranny of the masses, but the masses is composed of individuals like yourself. It's a vicious cycle, the one reinforcing the other.
But learning more and having more empathy for the position of others also contributes to this complication. When you learn to see how the other side feels, imagine what the other must be going through, simple decisions driven by self-interest become un-simple. Who is at fault? What if no one is to blame? Who do you put first? Must you put anyone first? Is there a solution to satisfy both parties? Black/white ceases to exist.
(I like being able to write short short sentences. Such a contrast from those 5 line long ones in IT)
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
re: letter
so here's the thing. about the letter.
I cringe everytime I think of it. it was more open and bare than anything I had ever told him, than anything I have ever told anyone. and the fact of its nakedness embarasses me because I don't do that. you know.
I don't put my emotions and thoughts all out there for people to see, I can't wear my heart on my sleeve the way others do without feeling incredibly vulnerable and pierce-able. (I know my faithful reader will applaud this, "progress!", but really, I hate it)
I suppose that's also why writing it felt so liberating and it enabled me to let go of everything. it was all out, there was nothing I wanted to say that I hadn't said in it.
But now that he is/might be responding, the thought of it terrifies me. I don't want to know what you have to say for a number of reasons.
i. because if it's good and you're trying to get me back, I might fall back in
ii. because if it's good and you're not trying to get me back, I might fall back in and wish that you were
iii. because if it's bad, I'll feel like a fool.
I don't know which is worse. let's add a 4th reason, to make it a multiple choice kind of thing.
iv. it's a reciprocal goodbye letter.
No, that's the same as ii. nevermind then. I'll just hope that he decided not to send it after all.
Chapter 1 runeth over. 1194 and there's more to write. say it with me ~word count~
and it's so easy after Chapters 4 and 5, leaving me with too much time to think about other things
I cringe everytime I think of it. it was more open and bare than anything I had ever told him, than anything I have ever told anyone. and the fact of its nakedness embarasses me because I don't do that. you know.
I don't put my emotions and thoughts all out there for people to see, I can't wear my heart on my sleeve the way others do without feeling incredibly vulnerable and pierce-able. (I know my faithful reader will applaud this, "progress!", but really, I hate it)
I suppose that's also why writing it felt so liberating and it enabled me to let go of everything. it was all out, there was nothing I wanted to say that I hadn't said in it.
But now that he is/might be responding, the thought of it terrifies me. I don't want to know what you have to say for a number of reasons.
i. because if it's good and you're trying to get me back, I might fall back in
ii. because if it's good and you're not trying to get me back, I might fall back in and wish that you were
iii. because if it's bad, I'll feel like a fool.
I don't know which is worse. let's add a 4th reason, to make it a multiple choice kind of thing.
iv. it's a reciprocal goodbye letter.
No, that's the same as ii. nevermind then. I'll just hope that he decided not to send it after all.
Chapter 1 runeth over. 1194 and there's more to write. say it with me ~word count~
and it's so easy after Chapters 4 and 5, leaving me with too much time to think about other things
eat your veg, no meat
soy sausages are so not. just don't, in case you were thinking of it.
(consciously) going veg lasted all of one meal. those times when I live on coffee, hummus and water crackers, toast, and apples don't count. that's not by choice.
(consciously) going veg lasted all of one meal. those times when I live on coffee, hummus and water crackers, toast, and apples don't count. that's not by choice.
boo-tan
I'm tired of Malaysian party politics and the filth surrounding it. Which is why there will be no rant on the topic today. For today: I would move to Bhutan if they would let me in. Although I'd prefer it if they kept their enlightened monarch for now and only made the shift to (messy, dysfunctional) democracy when he's passed on.
I wish I was rich enough to buy myself an island. It wouldn't have to be a big one, just enough for subsistence living so I can let the rest of the world fuck itself to hell while I potter away in my garden.
I wish I was rich enough to buy myself an island. It wouldn't have to be a big one, just enough for subsistence living so I can let the rest of the world fuck itself to hell while I potter away in my garden.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
tchach
"pancakes so light and fluffy it makes one weep"
- pancakes cannot make one weep. unnecessary adjectives and silly descriptions make me twitch
- pancakes cannot make one weep. unnecessary adjectives and silly descriptions make me twitch
divisions
A close friend of mine had a letter he wrote published on a Malaysian news/ opinion site. Unsurprisingly, it was on the state of ethnic relations and the rising tensions. He is optimistic about 'our common humanity' and Malaysians' capacity to rise above the petty fearmongering and playing up of communal tensions.
I used to share his views but here's the thing now.
These statements are petty, true, but can it really be said that these are the sentiments of very few and that 'the people' can rise above the basic emotions that they arouse? I wonder if we are not the ones living in a little bubble, imagining that most people see things the way we do. That there is such as a thing as 'common humanity'. Even in the prosperous, middle to upper-middle class area that is Bangsar, the divisions are so clearly visible.
I remember the first day I walked into BB all those years ago. It was like entering a parallel universe from the one I was used to. People clustered together according to bumi/ non-bumi. Most of the time.
How open are we, truly? We have friends from different ethnic groups and different background. But would you and could you discuss issues of ethnicity with them as openly as you would with people you already know will share your sentiments?
The 'othering' of each other is something which cannot be avoided. In the depths of your mind you know this is true. We look at someone who looks slightly different from ourselves and the first thing that automatically pops into your head is the difference, not the similarities.
In an egalitarian country, this may not be the case but in Malaysia, this instinct is compounded and institutionalized by the state. The NEP was the wrong answer. It was a bandaid for the state to enable business to run 'as usual' but in the long run it hasn't solved anything. Jamming the lid on an overflowing pot doesn't help.
What we needed was an open discussion, no restrictions for the sake of avoiding 'sensitive issues' but an extensive, broad based discussion where all views were heard no matter how polarizing or discriminatory. Because once you have all this out in the open, only then can you see how absurd statements such as Ahmad Ismail's are. That didn't happen, and that won't happen anytime soon. So the different groups will keep fueling their flames, pointing at 'the other' and what the other is saying, and the state will be trapped in the middle.
We put our faith in the everyman, blissfully thinking that the everyman is not susceptible to such talk and scaremongering. But the everyman is flawed and human. Malaysia has social and cultural differences that have been reinforced by the state to form divisions among the everypeople.
Malaysia is a nation-state that has multiple nations in it, not unlike North America in the early colonial era. But it is also a colonial construct that would not otherwise exist because of these multiple nations. Globalization has enabled the resurrection of these nations within nation-states. The Zapatistas in Chiapas, Mexico are the clearest example of this. Wikipedia/ Google it. The voices that were previously on the margins are making themselves heard again and I think that the modern post-colonial nation-state is not strong enough to keep it together.
Solve this.
I used to share his views but here's the thing now.
These statements are petty, true, but can it really be said that these are the sentiments of very few and that 'the people' can rise above the basic emotions that they arouse? I wonder if we are not the ones living in a little bubble, imagining that most people see things the way we do. That there is such as a thing as 'common humanity'. Even in the prosperous, middle to upper-middle class area that is Bangsar, the divisions are so clearly visible.
I remember the first day I walked into BB all those years ago. It was like entering a parallel universe from the one I was used to. People clustered together according to bumi/ non-bumi. Most of the time.
How open are we, truly? We have friends from different ethnic groups and different background. But would you and could you discuss issues of ethnicity with them as openly as you would with people you already know will share your sentiments?
The 'othering' of each other is something which cannot be avoided. In the depths of your mind you know this is true. We look at someone who looks slightly different from ourselves and the first thing that automatically pops into your head is the difference, not the similarities.
In an egalitarian country, this may not be the case but in Malaysia, this instinct is compounded and institutionalized by the state. The NEP was the wrong answer. It was a bandaid for the state to enable business to run 'as usual' but in the long run it hasn't solved anything. Jamming the lid on an overflowing pot doesn't help.
What we needed was an open discussion, no restrictions for the sake of avoiding 'sensitive issues' but an extensive, broad based discussion where all views were heard no matter how polarizing or discriminatory. Because once you have all this out in the open, only then can you see how absurd statements such as Ahmad Ismail's are. That didn't happen, and that won't happen anytime soon. So the different groups will keep fueling their flames, pointing at 'the other' and what the other is saying, and the state will be trapped in the middle.
We put our faith in the everyman, blissfully thinking that the everyman is not susceptible to such talk and scaremongering. But the everyman is flawed and human. Malaysia has social and cultural differences that have been reinforced by the state to form divisions among the everypeople.
Malaysia is a nation-state that has multiple nations in it, not unlike North America in the early colonial era. But it is also a colonial construct that would not otherwise exist because of these multiple nations. Globalization has enabled the resurrection of these nations within nation-states. The Zapatistas in Chiapas, Mexico are the clearest example of this. Wikipedia/ Google it. The voices that were previously on the margins are making themselves heard again and I think that the modern post-colonial nation-state is not strong enough to keep it together.
Solve this.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
peevish
Dammit, what is it that you want now? The letter was the end of it and it did what it was supposed to for me. I'm moving on. There was no need to reply to that or for you to follow up on it. Now you've got me wondering what exactly is it you're sending to me, why you wanted my birthdate, why you're doing this when I made it perfectly clear that that was all there was to it. No response expected nor wanted.
I suppose I'll find out soon enough. Maybe you're returning anything I gave you. That would be better than a letter I would be reluctant to open.
Hmm... I hope you're not planning to burn my unit down. Now that would really be uncalled for!
chapter 5 in its preliminary form is done. and my word count is not terribly excessively over the limit set for it. but they all add up! all these little bits and pieces of 200, 400 add up. fret fret fret. malaysian politics. fret fret fret. man problems. fret fret fret.
my lip balm is making me crave grapefruit soda. my nails are blue.
it's one of those days.
go away, come back. why are you still here? no, really come back.
that really sums up everything.
I will now bury my head in the sand for posting something as short attention-spanned and vacuous as this.
mm... chorizo buns with salsa verde
delightful insights from conversations with E soon to come. when i remember them. d-oh!
cookie dough..
I suppose I'll find out soon enough. Maybe you're returning anything I gave you. That would be better than a letter I would be reluctant to open.
Hmm... I hope you're not planning to burn my unit down. Now that would really be uncalled for!
chapter 5 in its preliminary form is done. and my word count is not terribly excessively over the limit set for it. but they all add up! all these little bits and pieces of 200, 400 add up. fret fret fret. malaysian politics. fret fret fret. man problems. fret fret fret.
my lip balm is making me crave grapefruit soda. my nails are blue.
it's one of those days.
go away, come back. why are you still here? no, really come back.
that really sums up everything.
I will now bury my head in the sand for posting something as short attention-spanned and vacuous as this.
mm... chorizo buns with salsa verde
delightful insights from conversations with E soon to come. when i remember them. d-oh!
cookie dough..
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
outrage
look at you lot, infighting and squabbling and plotting to take over
show me the difference between the two sides. it would be blatantly undemocratic, set a dangerous precedent, and ultimately result in more of the same shit. over and over again, it's the same shit in that place. And the rest of you, civil society, NGOs, 'the people' are just sitting quietly not saying a thing about it. In fact most of you probably think 'fantastic, we'll get a new government!'. What about the means through which that government comes into power? Have you lost your senses so completely in the anticipation of change as to imagine that the ends justify the means in this situation? what kind of a country is this?
I want to defect
show me the difference between the two sides. it would be blatantly undemocratic, set a dangerous precedent, and ultimately result in more of the same shit. over and over again, it's the same shit in that place. And the rest of you, civil society, NGOs, 'the people' are just sitting quietly not saying a thing about it. In fact most of you probably think 'fantastic, we'll get a new government!'. What about the means through which that government comes into power? Have you lost your senses so completely in the anticipation of change as to imagine that the ends justify the means in this situation? what kind of a country is this?
I want to defect
Saturday, September 06, 2008
A reminder
because i know i'll forget
"we're still friends right?"
er, no. actually we're not. we never were friends to begin with and we are crap at being just friends. because let's face it, everytime we agree to be friends it doesn't stay that way. a few weeks later you'll call asking if you can come over and hangout cause you're bored and i, stupidly thinking and remembering what we've agreed to will think that it'll be fine. because, you know, "we're just friends after all and i've made it clear to him that i can't do that anymore". and then you'll come over and we'll talk for awhile about what's been going on in our lives. after awhile we run out of normal, 'friend' things to say to each other and you'll take my hand or put your arm around my waist or something, and i'll give you that look which says 'what are you doing?' and you'll pause, for awhile, before continuing. and because you'll have softened me up by the with all the talk and just being close to me i'll slowly, reluctantly at first, give in. and there goes being just friends.
arsehole.
you do it every. single. time. and i can't stand it. i can't stand being so close to you that i can smell your cologne because scent is such a powerful force with me it sets off triggers in my head. sometime ago just before i left B i was in the library and this guy walked past wearing the same smell or something similar and i stood stock still for a moment remembering how you'd kiss, how you'd touch me and all the bullshit you had ever said to me. i already knew i was going to leave him then, i'd set a deadline of sorts in my head but having that reminder of you certainly didn't help me stay with him.
so yes, i have had enough of this. we can't be friends. we would never have been friends under normal circumstances. too different. i'm fussy about who i call a friend and you have done nothing to merit that title with me. i have grown and being with him was a reminder about what i should be looking for, even if i didn't have it with him. and you're none of it. have the balls to face your own problems face on instead of looking for an escape. it was fair game when i was in it for the same reasons but now that i'm not you should take your self-pity and self-absorption somewhere else. find someone else to fuck with if you won't/ can't grow balls instead of fucking with my head.
i'm going to read this reminder to myself until it becomes a mantra. so i'll be ready next time.
"we're still friends right?"
er, no. actually we're not. we never were friends to begin with and we are crap at being just friends. because let's face it, everytime we agree to be friends it doesn't stay that way. a few weeks later you'll call asking if you can come over and hangout cause you're bored and i, stupidly thinking and remembering what we've agreed to will think that it'll be fine. because, you know, "we're just friends after all and i've made it clear to him that i can't do that anymore". and then you'll come over and we'll talk for awhile about what's been going on in our lives. after awhile we run out of normal, 'friend' things to say to each other and you'll take my hand or put your arm around my waist or something, and i'll give you that look which says 'what are you doing?' and you'll pause, for awhile, before continuing. and because you'll have softened me up by the with all the talk and just being close to me i'll slowly, reluctantly at first, give in. and there goes being just friends.
arsehole.
you do it every. single. time. and i can't stand it. i can't stand being so close to you that i can smell your cologne because scent is such a powerful force with me it sets off triggers in my head. sometime ago just before i left B i was in the library and this guy walked past wearing the same smell or something similar and i stood stock still for a moment remembering how you'd kiss, how you'd touch me and all the bullshit you had ever said to me. i already knew i was going to leave him then, i'd set a deadline of sorts in my head but having that reminder of you certainly didn't help me stay with him.
so yes, i have had enough of this. we can't be friends. we would never have been friends under normal circumstances. too different. i'm fussy about who i call a friend and you have done nothing to merit that title with me. i have grown and being with him was a reminder about what i should be looking for, even if i didn't have it with him. and you're none of it. have the balls to face your own problems face on instead of looking for an escape. it was fair game when i was in it for the same reasons but now that i'm not you should take your self-pity and self-absorption somewhere else. find someone else to fuck with if you won't/ can't grow balls instead of fucking with my head.
i'm going to read this reminder to myself until it becomes a mantra. so i'll be ready next time.
yes, I'm disappointed in you
but we are only human after all
I suppose that's something I don't get, wilfully making the choice that you have knowing full well that it will hurt you in the end. I cling too strongly to my pride to consciously let myself do that which might be, is a fault on its own terms.
I guess in the back of my mind I'm afraid that I too might falter the next time I see S. That I might be prey to the same vulnerabilities try as I may. But then again things between S and I are not what they are between the two of you.
A lot has happened between April/May and now. And he is not a person who could stand up to me or who has earned my respect. I will hate myself if I succumb against my will again. Remember this.
but we are only human after all
I suppose that's something I don't get, wilfully making the choice that you have knowing full well that it will hurt you in the end. I cling too strongly to my pride to consciously let myself do that which might be, is a fault on its own terms.
I guess in the back of my mind I'm afraid that I too might falter the next time I see S. That I might be prey to the same vulnerabilities try as I may. But then again things between S and I are not what they are between the two of you.
A lot has happened between April/May and now. And he is not a person who could stand up to me or who has earned my respect. I will hate myself if I succumb against my will again. Remember this.
breath
It has been raining continuously for 30 hours. All I really want to do is to nurse a mug of tea and idly watch the water coming down. I test the temperature and my breath produces little puffs of air. It makes me feel like a baby dragon, making tentative little smoke trails.
Gazing out from the living room I notice that someone in the flat facing mine left a pair of jeans out. It must be drenched by now. Briefly wonder about the lives other people lead. Somewhere someone is doing exactly what I wish I were doing now, curled up in an armchair with a view of the city.
I like making those little hot air puffs. It reminds me that I’m in a foreign country living a different life. I correct my own thoughts: this country is different, but not foreign. This life is different and temporary. It is an interlude from the real world that awaits me at the end of this degree. The finish line I wish would come sooner but would also postpone for as long as possible. The inevitable return to a country I both love and despise, which I have never felt at home in. I know this feeling of dispossession is hardly unique to me. Others have felt this way.
It might be a diaspora thing, this eternal reaching towards an imaginary homeland. Maybe not. It might be the result of growing up in an environment both localized and foreign. A little bubble on the surface of the water. This country I am in now is not quite home but in a sense it comes closer to being home than the place that is ostensibly mine. I don’t feel displaced here even with everyone gone. But I haven’t gone native either. I’m not quite sure what to make of this feeling of being suspended between two places.
Shaking myself out of this haze, I get up and go to the kitchen for a glass of water before returning to my room. I wish for a moment there was a man in there waiting for me instead of my thesis. Damn thesis.
Gazing out from the living room I notice that someone in the flat facing mine left a pair of jeans out. It must be drenched by now. Briefly wonder about the lives other people lead. Somewhere someone is doing exactly what I wish I were doing now, curled up in an armchair with a view of the city.
I like making those little hot air puffs. It reminds me that I’m in a foreign country living a different life. I correct my own thoughts: this country is different, but not foreign. This life is different and temporary. It is an interlude from the real world that awaits me at the end of this degree. The finish line I wish would come sooner but would also postpone for as long as possible. The inevitable return to a country I both love and despise, which I have never felt at home in. I know this feeling of dispossession is hardly unique to me. Others have felt this way.
It might be a diaspora thing, this eternal reaching towards an imaginary homeland. Maybe not. It might be the result of growing up in an environment both localized and foreign. A little bubble on the surface of the water. This country I am in now is not quite home but in a sense it comes closer to being home than the place that is ostensibly mine. I don’t feel displaced here even with everyone gone. But I haven’t gone native either. I’m not quite sure what to make of this feeling of being suspended between two places.
Shaking myself out of this haze, I get up and go to the kitchen for a glass of water before returning to my room. I wish for a moment there was a man in there waiting for me instead of my thesis. Damn thesis.
Friday, September 05, 2008
thbbpppt.
I don't care if it's extravagant. I'll eat truffle scrambled eggs for breakfast if I want.
socially acceptable addictions pt.1
lip balm is my crack
and i've found a new dealer: http://mylipstuff.com
seriously, 400 plus flavours? ooohh... and they actually do smell exactly like the description given. i ordered a lot of 10 (excessive, yes. justified, yes. now go away, i'll put them to good use. and they're cheap! and this is my new way to destress - online shopping cause i'm tied to my desk grumble grumble, stupid thesis..) a couple of weeks back and this is what i got:
vanilla ice cream (wearing this now. yum! it's like having a maccas (McDs to you) softserve icecream perpetually under my nose)
almond
mango
cherry pie
caramel sundae
white chocolate raspberry
peaches and cream
strawberries and champagne
strawberries and chocolate
french kiss (this caught my eye cause of the name but the description sounded delicious too: bourbon, apricot, grenadine and lemon - who am i to walk away from boozy lip balm?)
and they threw in a free one too - mixed mystery which is a mixture of godknowswhat but it smells like cherries to me
as for the lip balm itself, it's fantastic. it's untinted and actually slightly glossy, goes on like a dream (like buttah!), doesn't just sit on my lips like some do, and is all natural. which is to say that there's no petrolatum or nasty petroleum by-products in it. just sunflower oil, beeswax, cocoa butter, sweet almond oil, castor oil, jojoba oil, avocado oil, aloe vera and essential/ flavour oils. the ingredient list sounds almost like a salad to me.
the website even has vegan lip balm which swap out the beeswax for candellila wax. there isn't much flavour to it, it's just scented to me but i suppose that's a good thing otherwise i'd be literally eating my own lips. i'm already eyeing more stuff on the site. it's less than 1/5th the price of the stuff i've been using (lush, philosophy) and just as good if not better (cause it's natural!!). and the choices... love! honestly, some of the labels alone would get me: 'a little S&M' anyone? i want the mood balms now - stressed, naughty, fiesty, hungry (actually that would be good for SL)
if anyone is reading this, you now know what i'm going to be giving out in december
I'm on a vanilla kick right now. I'm craving vanilla chocolate and wearing Lush's American Cream scent. It's the warmest, most comforting scent I have come across and like Lush things in general is so much more than just one flat note. It's distinctly vanilla but kinked up with layers of clary sage, a bit of lavender, a bit of honey and just a hint of fresh, slightly tart strawberries. I wish they used this scent in more things instead of just a conditioner and solid perfume because it soothes me and seems to calm me down. it sends a message to my brain: step away from the edge.
ok, ditzy post over.
- back to our regular programme of thesis-related complaints now -
(yay, E is coming tomorrow! chirrup!)
and i've found a new dealer: http://mylipstuff.com
seriously, 400 plus flavours? ooohh... and they actually do smell exactly like the description given. i ordered a lot of 10 (excessive, yes. justified, yes. now go away, i'll put them to good use. and they're cheap! and this is my new way to destress - online shopping cause i'm tied to my desk grumble grumble, stupid thesis..) a couple of weeks back and this is what i got:
vanilla ice cream (wearing this now. yum! it's like having a maccas (McDs to you) softserve icecream perpetually under my nose)
almond
mango
cherry pie
caramel sundae
white chocolate raspberry
peaches and cream
strawberries and champagne
strawberries and chocolate
french kiss (this caught my eye cause of the name but the description sounded delicious too: bourbon, apricot, grenadine and lemon - who am i to walk away from boozy lip balm?)
and they threw in a free one too - mixed mystery which is a mixture of godknowswhat but it smells like cherries to me
as for the lip balm itself, it's fantastic. it's untinted and actually slightly glossy, goes on like a dream (like buttah!), doesn't just sit on my lips like some do, and is all natural. which is to say that there's no petrolatum or nasty petroleum by-products in it. just sunflower oil, beeswax, cocoa butter, sweet almond oil, castor oil, jojoba oil, avocado oil, aloe vera and essential/ flavour oils. the ingredient list sounds almost like a salad to me.
the website even has vegan lip balm which swap out the beeswax for candellila wax. there isn't much flavour to it, it's just scented to me but i suppose that's a good thing otherwise i'd be literally eating my own lips. i'm already eyeing more stuff on the site. it's less than 1/5th the price of the stuff i've been using (lush, philosophy) and just as good if not better (cause it's natural!!). and the choices... love! honestly, some of the labels alone would get me: 'a little S&M' anyone? i want the mood balms now - stressed, naughty, fiesty, hungry (actually that would be good for SL)
if anyone is reading this, you now know what i'm going to be giving out in december
I'm on a vanilla kick right now. I'm craving vanilla chocolate and wearing Lush's American Cream scent. It's the warmest, most comforting scent I have come across and like Lush things in general is so much more than just one flat note. It's distinctly vanilla but kinked up with layers of clary sage, a bit of lavender, a bit of honey and just a hint of fresh, slightly tart strawberries. I wish they used this scent in more things instead of just a conditioner and solid perfume because it soothes me and seems to calm me down. it sends a message to my brain: step away from the edge.
ok, ditzy post over.
- back to our regular programme of thesis-related complaints now -
(yay, E is coming tomorrow! chirrup!)
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
a gripe
shoot me.
political agency
translation of norms from the international arena to the local level
power relations
state-civil society nexus
inadequacies of civil socety
historical contingency
this is what I'm talking about? fuck me, I'm giving myself permanent headache and setting myself up for a lifetime of poverty. seriously who would hire an Arts student who decides to launch on a critique of both the state and civil society. fine, I could be an academic and sit in the ivory tower and make incisive critiques that no one but other academics would ever bother with but that would require more of this. every convoluted, 5 line long sentence that get teased and tortured out of my head makes me grimace. Because they are convoluted, 5 line long sentences which convey judgements I may not even be in a position to make.
this thing has a life of its own.
should have done taken the Wittgenstein approach and said that none of this is real because there's no such thing as theory. therefore civil society does not exist. it is an abstract notion that has no relation to reality. norms do not exist. the state is a figment of the imagination. ugh. can't do that. Wittgenstein = GK = nutter.
plus I'm doing grounded theory. not just any old theory.
I should sleep on this and come back to it tomorrow but I'm too wired from the coffee I just had. this is fucking with my sleep patterns to the point that I'm confused by it. not that that's hard to do.
I want someone to play with. kidding kidding! (beinggoodbeinggood, E)
no time for that anyway >(
political agency
translation of norms from the international arena to the local level
power relations
state-civil society nexus
inadequacies of civil socety
historical contingency
this is what I'm talking about? fuck me, I'm giving myself permanent headache and setting myself up for a lifetime of poverty. seriously who would hire an Arts student who decides to launch on a critique of both the state and civil society. fine, I could be an academic and sit in the ivory tower and make incisive critiques that no one but other academics would ever bother with but that would require more of this. every convoluted, 5 line long sentence that get teased and tortured out of my head makes me grimace. Because they are convoluted, 5 line long sentences which convey judgements I may not even be in a position to make.
this thing has a life of its own.
should have done taken the Wittgenstein approach and said that none of this is real because there's no such thing as theory. therefore civil society does not exist. it is an abstract notion that has no relation to reality. norms do not exist. the state is a figment of the imagination. ugh. can't do that. Wittgenstein = GK = nutter.
plus I'm doing grounded theory. not just any old theory.
I should sleep on this and come back to it tomorrow but I'm too wired from the coffee I just had. this is fucking with my sleep patterns to the point that I'm confused by it. not that that's hard to do.
I want someone to play with. kidding kidding! (beinggoodbeinggood, E)
no time for that anyway >(
Sunday, August 31, 2008
dammitdammitdammit
no work done today
excellent, when duncan asks for an update i can tell him that i spent sunday sticking a letter on my exboyfriend's door and then walking around bondi junction in a semi-conscious state and later cleaning the kitchen and rhapsodizing about truffles to anyone who will listen.
the letter was to tie things up. the way i ended it has been plagueing me and it felt like there were so many things i left unsaid which i had to say before i could move on. so there. one thing done.
focus. thesis. FB's iq thingy tells me i have an iq of 142. i should be a genius therefore this should be a breeze. alternatively that iq thing is whacked and i'm screwed. i'm inclined to agree with the latter.
i CAN be a genius, but only when i'm not preoccupied with
a) sex
b) thinking about sex
c) men
d) my nails
e) my next meal
which means never. or only at 2 in the morning.
sigh... why does my brain not cooperate with me?
no work done today
excellent, when duncan asks for an update i can tell him that i spent sunday sticking a letter on my exboyfriend's door and then walking around bondi junction in a semi-conscious state and later cleaning the kitchen and rhapsodizing about truffles to anyone who will listen.
the letter was to tie things up. the way i ended it has been plagueing me and it felt like there were so many things i left unsaid which i had to say before i could move on. so there. one thing done.
focus. thesis. FB's iq thingy tells me i have an iq of 142. i should be a genius therefore this should be a breeze. alternatively that iq thing is whacked and i'm screwed. i'm inclined to agree with the latter.
i CAN be a genius, but only when i'm not preoccupied with
a) sex
b) thinking about sex
c) men
d) my nails
e) my next meal
which means never. or only at 2 in the morning.
sigh... why does my brain not cooperate with me?
Scent
I just tried truffles for the first time. Tetsuya's black truffle salsa mixed into butter and slathered onto a lightly toasted slice of wholemeal sourdough from Laurent. Now I get it. The whole fuss about truffles. They smell like sex. Musky, pungent, earthy. It's like nothing else I've ever smelt. Sticking my nose into the tiny jar sent my olfactory nerves ablaze and the first thing it evoked was sex. Raw animalistic sex. The heady scent is just indescribable and that's the closest approximation I can come up with. My little epiphany at 11pm in a dinky kitchen. Ok, sure I've had dishes which purportedly contain truffle oil but those don't come anywhere close to this. Any traces of truffles in the pasta you get at Alexis are drowned by everything else they chuck in - mushrooms, cream, more cream. It's damn near undetectable. There are too many other flavours and textures to draw your attention there. But this. There's no mistaking this. Forget oysters, if you want an aphrodisiac truffles are the way to go. Oysters are mere imagery and texture - who associates sex with brine? Oysters are delicious in their own right but as aphrodisiacs they get their hard shelled innards whooped by truffles. Asparagus? hah, I laugh at you. Scent is where it's at. And the scent of truffles is lingering in my nose and my mouth. The way the sillage of a perfume lingers in a room after the wearer has left, the aroma of truffles lingers in my senses.
On a similar note, I took a whiff of Etat Libre d'Orange's Magnificent Secretions perfume in Mecca today. That too smelt like sex, but in a completely different way. I guess the name says it all. It smelt like the atmosphere in a room post-coitus, animalistic notes, semen, blood. It made me frown but I still took a second sniff. Interesting and unique yes. Wearable? NO! Truffles smell like raw animalistic sex. Magnificent Secretions smelt like the dirtier, sadomasochistic, even more violent older brother of aforementioned sex with the element of pleasure removed. Almost foul. Nurgh..
I'm going to play with my truffle salsa more tomorrow - with gently warmed olive oil in fresh pasta? mmm...
This will be my substitute for sex. Because I'M BEING GOOD. dammit. I'm overworked and undersexed.
On a similar note, I took a whiff of Etat Libre d'Orange's Magnificent Secretions perfume in Mecca today. That too smelt like sex, but in a completely different way. I guess the name says it all. It smelt like the atmosphere in a room post-coitus, animalistic notes, semen, blood. It made me frown but I still took a second sniff. Interesting and unique yes. Wearable? NO! Truffles smell like raw animalistic sex. Magnificent Secretions smelt like the dirtier, sadomasochistic, even more violent older brother of aforementioned sex with the element of pleasure removed. Almost foul. Nurgh..
I'm going to play with my truffle salsa more tomorrow - with gently warmed olive oil in fresh pasta? mmm...
This will be my substitute for sex. Because I'M BEING GOOD. dammit. I'm overworked and undersexed.
God bless, thank you.
Bittersweet - Sara Bareilles
Bittersweet seasons.
Mistake a warm winter for spring.
Seems like I'm best at leaving when leaving is not the best thing.
You couldn't help it if you needed more than I could give.
That's just the way it goes. Now..
I call you misplaced but never a waste of my time.
Everybody's gonna make mistakes,But you'll never be one of mine.
You couldn't help it if you needed more than I could give.
That's just the way it goes.
I knew you felt me leaving long before I ever did.
That's just the way it goes now.
Loved me fearless when you needed to.
You would not rest till you came through.
So god bless and thank you.
There is no anger, it's just you and I and the truth.
You can try to make her but love will not be forced to bloom.
You couldn't help it if you needed more than I could give.
That's just the way it goes.
The only love worth fighting for is one that you can win and,
That's just the way it goes now.
You would not break but you could bend.
And for love's sake you let love end,
But I still swear that you were god sent.
And you stood before me knowing that the wings I have you gave.
And that's just the way it goes now.
And I barely have the breath to breathe much less to fly away.
And that's just the way it goes now.
And a silence entered the room for a one last,
"I'm gonna love you."
So god bless and thank you.
So god bless and thank you.
Thank you.
(well of course I could write something original but when songs or poems capture what I'm feeling so perfectly, so much better than I could express, there is no need to write my own)
Bittersweet seasons.
Mistake a warm winter for spring.
Seems like I'm best at leaving when leaving is not the best thing.
You couldn't help it if you needed more than I could give.
That's just the way it goes. Now..
I call you misplaced but never a waste of my time.
Everybody's gonna make mistakes,But you'll never be one of mine.
You couldn't help it if you needed more than I could give.
That's just the way it goes.
I knew you felt me leaving long before I ever did.
That's just the way it goes now.
Loved me fearless when you needed to.
You would not rest till you came through.
So god bless and thank you.
There is no anger, it's just you and I and the truth.
You can try to make her but love will not be forced to bloom.
You couldn't help it if you needed more than I could give.
That's just the way it goes.
The only love worth fighting for is one that you can win and,
That's just the way it goes now.
You would not break but you could bend.
And for love's sake you let love end,
But I still swear that you were god sent.
And you stood before me knowing that the wings I have you gave.
And that's just the way it goes now.
And I barely have the breath to breathe much less to fly away.
And that's just the way it goes now.
And a silence entered the room for a one last,
"I'm gonna love you."
So god bless and thank you.
So god bless and thank you.
Thank you.
(well of course I could write something original but when songs or poems capture what I'm feeling so perfectly, so much better than I could express, there is no need to write my own)
Saturday, August 30, 2008
cheers darlin'
"the same human frailties, the same human weaknesses"
resonance. The manifestation of these words lies in me, in everything and everyone around me. It is inescapable I suppose, that we repeat the same thoughts, repeat the same mistakes over and over again until something clicks. There is comfort in the familiar, like a well-worn path through the shrubbery. Like treading along such a path, treading the same thoughts and emotions ensures a certain regularity and is facilitated by that which has gone before. It is easy, even when it is not. The dangers of repetition. The comforts of repetition.
It is both dangerous and comforting, this repetition. Like the recitation of a prayer, commited to memory, it requires no new thoughts and no exploration of the unknown. It is already known where they will lead. It is almost an article of faith, to know what lies ahead and to have that certainty, if not consciously, then in the depths of your mind and far underneath the surface of superficialities and self-torment. Because that is part of it, a secret masochistic tendency to inflict pain upon others and yourself. It is this pain that reminds you, that reminds me that I am human after all. That I am not, as I sometimes think, dead inside. To feel emotion, any emotion, is an indicator of life and of humanity. A vital sign, if you will. Possibly, it is proof that the mind does not and cannot conquer all. Sheer intellect and willpower is not enough sometimes.
I forget why repetition is dangerous now.
TBC
resonance. The manifestation of these words lies in me, in everything and everyone around me. It is inescapable I suppose, that we repeat the same thoughts, repeat the same mistakes over and over again until something clicks. There is comfort in the familiar, like a well-worn path through the shrubbery. Like treading along such a path, treading the same thoughts and emotions ensures a certain regularity and is facilitated by that which has gone before. It is easy, even when it is not. The dangers of repetition. The comforts of repetition.
It is both dangerous and comforting, this repetition. Like the recitation of a prayer, commited to memory, it requires no new thoughts and no exploration of the unknown. It is already known where they will lead. It is almost an article of faith, to know what lies ahead and to have that certainty, if not consciously, then in the depths of your mind and far underneath the surface of superficialities and self-torment. Because that is part of it, a secret masochistic tendency to inflict pain upon others and yourself. It is this pain that reminds you, that reminds me that I am human after all. That I am not, as I sometimes think, dead inside. To feel emotion, any emotion, is an indicator of life and of humanity. A vital sign, if you will. Possibly, it is proof that the mind does not and cannot conquer all. Sheer intellect and willpower is not enough sometimes.
I forget why repetition is dangerous now.
TBC
que te parecen?
I think:
JW has been telling tales on me to my mom - she wanted to visit me in Sydney soon. hmm... worried about the sanity of her youngest daughter?
coffee has stopped working on me
talking to myself helps. a lot.
democratization. soft authoritarian states. decentralization. civil society. cooption. repeat until linkages form.
i should have done law or physics or something which does not involve original research and critical thinking.
(but they are just sooo tedious! and look at the people you know doing law.. ugh. soulless hamsters)
one day i will look back and laugh. NOT ANYTIME SOON!!
fuck. i can't write today.
so going to delete this.
JW has been telling tales on me to my mom - she wanted to visit me in Sydney soon. hmm... worried about the sanity of her youngest daughter?
coffee has stopped working on me
talking to myself helps. a lot.
democratization. soft authoritarian states. decentralization. civil society. cooption. repeat until linkages form.
i should have done law or physics or something which does not involve original research and critical thinking.
(but they are just sooo tedious! and look at the people you know doing law.. ugh. soulless hamsters)
one day i will look back and laugh. NOT ANYTIME SOON!!
fuck. i can't write today.
so going to delete this.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
there's a worm in my brain
why oh why doesn't my brain work?
3000 - 1000 = 2000
for a discussion chapter. this should be a piece of cake! all I need to do is to churn out 2000 words that reflect on my research findings and draw linkages to 'the bigger picture'. and after the 9000 words monstrosity that was The Chapter, this should be easy.
grrr..... work dammit!
on the bright side, I have pretty nails.
I'm meant to be a bimbo, not an honours student.
3000 - 1000 = 2000
for a discussion chapter. this should be a piece of cake! all I need to do is to churn out 2000 words that reflect on my research findings and draw linkages to 'the bigger picture'. and after the 9000 words monstrosity that was The Chapter, this should be easy.
grrr..... work dammit!
on the bright side, I have pretty nails.
I'm meant to be a bimbo, not an honours student.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
point
I know what I need to do. It's time to move on (from all of them) and be alone for awhile. Otherwise I will have learnt nothing from the past two years.
I suppose this is growing up
I suppose this is growing up
Neruda: XX
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a los lejos."
El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.
En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.
Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.
Oír la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.
Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.
Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.
La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.
De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.
Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, "The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance."
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, and sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tongiht I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her,
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul cannot be content, because I have lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same nightfall whitening the same trees.
But we have both changed so much since that night.
Surely I no longer love her, but how I once loved her
My voice sought the wind to touch her hearing
Another's. She will be another's. As before I had kissed her.
Her voice. Her pale body. Her endless eyes.
Surely I no longer love her, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul cannot be content, because I have lost her.
Even if this is the last pain she makes me suffer
and these are the last verses that I write for her.
Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a los lejos."
El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.
En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.
Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.
Oír la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.
Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.
Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.
La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.
De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.
Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, "The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance."
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, and sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tongiht I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her,
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul cannot be content, because I have lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same nightfall whitening the same trees.
But we have both changed so much since that night.
Surely I no longer love her, but how I once loved her
My voice sought the wind to touch her hearing
Another's. She will be another's. As before I had kissed her.
Her voice. Her pale body. Her endless eyes.
Surely I no longer love her, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul cannot be content, because I have lost her.
Even if this is the last pain she makes me suffer
and these are the last verses that I write for her.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
breathe in
exhale
repeat
shit. this is so much harder than i thought it would be. the approach i was going to take won't work because i'm not qualified to make the judgement i thought i could so i need to rearrange this section. participation. this is hell.
remind yourself: this is not as terrible as you think it is. calm down and take a step back. go back to the start, look at what you have, take it back to the material and let it speak to you
easier said than done when your own biases keep weighing in on things
this is why my first choice for a topic wasn't on malaysia. too much personal bias, too much history. objectivity flys out the window the minute i stop concentrating and let conjecture take over. that is going into the methodology section as one of the limitations to the thesis.
i guess i doesn't help that i woke up this morning wishing it was june again. i miss june. june was happy. i had people i love around me, taking them around the city i love, i felt loved and i thought i was faling in love. the research month was ahead of me, full of possibilities, exploration.
the difference two months makes
this will pass
it's hormonal. give yourself a couple of days and it'll be fine
exhale
repeat
shit. this is so much harder than i thought it would be. the approach i was going to take won't work because i'm not qualified to make the judgement i thought i could so i need to rearrange this section. participation. this is hell.
remind yourself: this is not as terrible as you think it is. calm down and take a step back. go back to the start, look at what you have, take it back to the material and let it speak to you
easier said than done when your own biases keep weighing in on things
this is why my first choice for a topic wasn't on malaysia. too much personal bias, too much history. objectivity flys out the window the minute i stop concentrating and let conjecture take over. that is going into the methodology section as one of the limitations to the thesis.
i guess i doesn't help that i woke up this morning wishing it was june again. i miss june. june was happy. i had people i love around me, taking them around the city i love, i felt loved and i thought i was faling in love. the research month was ahead of me, full of possibilities, exploration.
the difference two months makes
this will pass
it's hormonal. give yourself a couple of days and it'll be fine
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
not only am i eventually going to hell, i'm there right now
I'm feeling incredibly, terribly dysfunctional today
swinging between misery and stress and self-absorption
between the two of them i'm effectively fucked up for the next 2 years or so, i'd say
funny how i can put a timeline on that
and in the depths of my misery there's a little, evil voice in my head laughing at me. 'oh the drama! you like being miserable. it's your natural state. happiness will never sit well with you, not for long anyway. because once you've gotten over the novelty of it you go looking for reasons to tear it apart.'
swinging between misery and stress and self-absorption
between the two of them i'm effectively fucked up for the next 2 years or so, i'd say
funny how i can put a timeline on that
and in the depths of my misery there's a little, evil voice in my head laughing at me. 'oh the drama! you like being miserable. it's your natural state. happiness will never sit well with you, not for long anyway. because once you've gotten over the novelty of it you go looking for reasons to tear it apart.'
pause
a sudden pang
ouch
why does this hurt more than i thought it would?
emotions are the bane of my existence
ouch
why does this hurt more than i thought it would?
emotions are the bane of my existence
Sunday, August 10, 2008
an inventory
1 laptop
1 latte cup holding:
- 5 pens
- 1 steel ruler
- 1 pair of scissors
- 1 stapler
- 1 penknife
- 2 highlighters
1 oddly shaped bowl holding:
- too many namecards for me to bother counting
- ditto to coffee cards
- coins, AU and MY and TH
- 1 pocket mirror
- 1 pair of tweezers
- 1 thumbdrive
- 1 swiss army knife
- 2 batteries
- 1 keychain
- random bits of paper
1/4 bar of cadbury chocolate, tiramisu
1 tin of Haigh's dark chocolate covered coffee beans
1 box of Haigh's truffles
1 packet of gingernut cookies, opened
1/2 a packet of dark m&ms
1 packet of TNCC jellybears
1/2 a packet of kopiko sweets
1 hexagonal container holding:
- 2 lollipops
- starburst sweets
- reeses pieces
- a packet of sugar
- more kopiko sweets
- 1 clothespin (err..)
1 tin of travel sweets, forest fruits
1 watch
3 dollar coins
1 contact lens case (ah..)
4 highlighters, scattered
2 black ink pens - Pilot drawing pens, 2.0 (it's an obsession, won't write with anything else except maybe)
1 blue ink pen - Staedtler triplus fineliner
2 hand creams - Neutrogena and Opi
1 calculator (dust-covered)
1 round containder cover holding:
- 2 lip balms - TBS coconut lip butter, L'occitane creamy honey
- 1 cuticle creme thing - Burt's Bees
- 3 paperclips
1 lip balm - Philosophy: kiss me (i really hoard these things)
1 pack of chewing gum - Wrigley's extra
1 cable snaking from the laptop to the printer
1 cable snaking from the laptop to power source
1 table light
1 cable dangling from table light
1 roll of film
AU15.20
1 moleskine
1 hair tie
1 mini note pad from the Arc
1 set of headphones
1 glass of water
1 mobile phone
and now the really really fun part:
6 books from Selangor JPBD on Selangor Agenda 21 - guidelines, policy documents, etc
2 LA21 pilot project books from the ministry of housing and local government
1 notebook with near illegible handwriting (mine, of course. who else has illegible handwriting?)
16 sets of transcriptions, highlighted and scribbled upon in the margins
2 large envelopes, containing research-related material
misc sheets of paper
4 journal articles
1 packet of blutack (gotta love this stuff)
4 booklets from CETDEM
2 conference proceedings from EPSM
more papers
2 previous honours theses, on loan from the honours common room library
3 inches of paper (i don't really want to go through them to see what they are)
and don't get me started on the table behind me and the floor
or the books stacked on my printer
or the mess under the table behind me
i'm going to paint my nails now
1 latte cup holding:
- 5 pens
- 1 steel ruler
- 1 pair of scissors
- 1 stapler
- 1 penknife
- 2 highlighters
1 oddly shaped bowl holding:
- too many namecards for me to bother counting
- ditto to coffee cards
- coins, AU and MY and TH
- 1 pocket mirror
- 1 pair of tweezers
- 1 thumbdrive
- 1 swiss army knife
- 2 batteries
- 1 keychain
- random bits of paper
1/4 bar of cadbury chocolate, tiramisu
1 tin of Haigh's dark chocolate covered coffee beans
1 box of Haigh's truffles
1 packet of gingernut cookies, opened
1/2 a packet of dark m&ms
1 packet of TNCC jellybears
1/2 a packet of kopiko sweets
1 hexagonal container holding:
- 2 lollipops
- starburst sweets
- reeses pieces
- a packet of sugar
- more kopiko sweets
- 1 clothespin (err..)
1 tin of travel sweets, forest fruits
1 watch
3 dollar coins
1 contact lens case (ah..)
4 highlighters, scattered
2 black ink pens - Pilot drawing pens, 2.0 (it's an obsession, won't write with anything else except maybe)
1 blue ink pen - Staedtler triplus fineliner
2 hand creams - Neutrogena and Opi
1 calculator (dust-covered)
1 round containder cover holding:
- 2 lip balms - TBS coconut lip butter, L'occitane creamy honey
- 1 cuticle creme thing - Burt's Bees
- 3 paperclips
1 lip balm - Philosophy: kiss me (i really hoard these things)
1 pack of chewing gum - Wrigley's extra
1 cable snaking from the laptop to the printer
1 cable snaking from the laptop to power source
1 table light
1 cable dangling from table light
1 roll of film
AU15.20
1 moleskine
1 hair tie
1 mini note pad from the Arc
1 set of headphones
1 glass of water
1 mobile phone
and now the really really fun part:
6 books from Selangor JPBD on Selangor Agenda 21 - guidelines, policy documents, etc
2 LA21 pilot project books from the ministry of housing and local government
1 notebook with near illegible handwriting (mine, of course. who else has illegible handwriting?)
16 sets of transcriptions, highlighted and scribbled upon in the margins
2 large envelopes, containing research-related material
misc sheets of paper
4 journal articles
1 packet of blutack (gotta love this stuff)
4 booklets from CETDEM
2 conference proceedings from EPSM
more papers
2 previous honours theses, on loan from the honours common room library
3 inches of paper (i don't really want to go through them to see what they are)
and don't get me started on the table behind me and the floor
or the books stacked on my printer
or the mess under the table behind me
i'm going to paint my nails now
I tried but you stopped
that is all there is to it.
over
and it ends, as they all must end. with a smile or with a tear or with nothing.
examine my inbuilt fatalism. i already know what they will say. you call that trying? it is to me. you run, everytime. i know but you can see why. but i thought you said... i was wrong, foolish and blinded by the distance and wanting to be with someone who in memory, from a distance, seemed to be more than he was. oh well...
that's how it will go because i know my friends so well. and they know me so well
sarcasm?
maybe, depends
maybe i will remember from time to time, that which it was
but never forgetting that which it became
a mute soliloquy
and now i will work
goodbye you
that is all there is to it.
over
and it ends, as they all must end. with a smile or with a tear or with nothing.
examine my inbuilt fatalism. i already know what they will say. you call that trying? it is to me. you run, everytime. i know but you can see why. but i thought you said... i was wrong, foolish and blinded by the distance and wanting to be with someone who in memory, from a distance, seemed to be more than he was. oh well...
that's how it will go because i know my friends so well. and they know me so well
sarcasm?
maybe, depends
maybe i will remember from time to time, that which it was
but never forgetting that which it became
a mute soliloquy
and now i will work
goodbye you
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